Joke

While sitting in a restaurant, I heard someone yell “Does anyone know CPR?” I hollered out “I do, and 23 other letters too”. Everyone laughed and laughed. Well, except for this one guy.

 

Top tip.
You know when you lose something, then you always find it in the last place you look? Well to avoid this, have a look in another couple of places, after you’ve actually found it.

 

At my friends funeral, I stood in front of the congregation and said “plethora”.

His widow said “thanks, that means a lot”.

 

For some obscure reason, that took absolutely ages for the penny to drop. I was about midway through typing ‘’ I really don’t get that ‘’ And that made me really chuckle then.

Ozziedog,,,,,,,,,not quite as sharp as I once was

 

Took me 3 reads .

 

My audiologist doesn’t listen to a word I say

 

Dogs cant operate a MRI machine

But cats can

 

Dog man don't but Katmandu.

 

Did you know that a candle flame smells exactly like burning nostril hair?

 

Did you seen the protesters who threw soup on Van Gough's Sunflowers.....in heinzsight it wasn't a good idea!

 

But they were camp belles.

 

Yesterday I was at Morrisons using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said, “Hi! How are you?” Embarrassed... I said, “I’m alright!!"
The voice said, "So what are you up to?” I said, “Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business!” Then I hear, “Can I come over?” Annoyed... I said “No you can’t, what the hell!?” Then the voice said, “Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!”

 

All the way down the M6 on the way home from work yesterday there was a lorry driver right up my backside.

Still, nice of him to give me a lift wasn’t it.

 

The things you do for a Yorkie.

 

I operate a small whoopee-cushion manufacturing business with two employees.
Unfortunately, due to the economic downturn, I've had to let one go.

 

I only remember one:
Mummy mummy I'm sick of going around in a circle ... Shut up or I'll nail your OTHER foot to the floor

 

My maths teacher once told me….”you know you are a very lucky young man! because I am among the top 93% of brilliant maths teachers in the UK….the other 8% are rubbish”

 

Before WW1 my great grandad, Bertram worked on the docks, and one day at lunch time produced a thermos flask from his bag. Being a new(ish) invention at the time his work mates were curious to know it’s use.
“Well”, said Bertie, “it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold”.
His mates were pretty impressed and one asked, “so, what have you got in it today then?”
My great grandad replied, ”some tomato soup and a choc ice for afters”.

 

The person that invented the Ferris wheel never met the person that invented the merry go round.

they traveled in different circles.

 

If you boil a funny bone it makes a laughing stock of itself.



........that's humerus.