U2 decided to put on 3 concerts on the run up to Christmas free of charge. On the first night The Edge looked out of the curtain and there were only 2 people in the audience. Undeterred Bono said not to worry and they would do the concert anyway with the hope that more people would show up for the other gigs. The second night arrives and the same thing happens, only 2 people show up. The concert goes ahead nonetheless. To try and get the numbers up, Bono goes on a local radio station to let people know that they are doing a final free Christmas concert and they hope to see people there. The final night arrives and just before they go on stage, The Edge pops his head out of the curtain to see how many people have showed. To his dismay, there are only 10 people there. He turns to Bono and says that there's only 10 people in the audience. Bono replies "well tonight thank god its ten, instead of twooooo"
Yesterday I was at my local Asda buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
Tools Explained: DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh Fu--!' SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. MOLE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an vehicle to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. BARST*RD TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' BARST*RD!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
My dog ate all the tiles from the Scrabble set. Now he keeps leaving little messages around the house.
Genie: What's your first wish? Graham: I want you to make me rich. Genie: Granted! What's your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money this time.
I tried to warn my friend about the dangers of playing Russian roulette...but it just went in one ear and out the other
Some friends of mine are organising a joint Chinese New Year celebration and Burn’s Night supper - they’re calling it Chinese Burns Night. I don’t want to go but they’re twisting my arm …
The council have made me take my electric fence from round my house. Just because my next door neighbour was dead against it
Went to Asda today, and the checkout assistant asked If I wanted any cashback. I said no, so she kept my change
I hope that someday we can live in a world without plagiarism. You may say I’m a dreamer but I’m not the only one…..
CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50*****ingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50*****INGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50*****ingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReally*******edOff50*****ingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.
