I’ve just been to the supermarket for a sandwich and a packet of crisps. The girl at the checkout said, “Do you want to grab a drink?” I blushed and replied, “I’m flattered but I’m married. But thank you.” She just looked at me and said, “It’s part of the meal deal”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer from a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the Englishman. Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui gui................." Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th th.................." "Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet. "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy. And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th ththth...........". "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman. "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch." "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh. "E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb." "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman. "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman. "London" blurts out the Irishman. "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then,right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out " D D D D D Derry".
A guy in pub just asked me if I could name 3 Qatar players . Hendrix , Clapton n BB King I said . He wasn't impressed
Not looking for sympathy. Most of you won’t know this but myself and my wife, over the last month, have had the hardest month we've ever had. It's been one of the most difficult times of our relationship. Some days have been harder than others and many tears have flowed and many nights we've sat and talked and some hard decisions have had to be made. Sadly after a long period of soul searching we have decided with great pain that the end has come. We can't continue any longer with the way things are, it’s not a decision we have taken lightly but it's been born out of necessity. Something had to change. So it’s with great sadness that I announce after so many months of struggling and fighting the inevitable that my wife and I have decided to put the central heating on.
A plumber dies in a car accident on his 50th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." "Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the plumber sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a plumber?" "Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The plumber is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy but I only lived to be fifty." "That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter, "We've added up all your time sheets."
My mate’s receiving ground breaking treatment to cure his baldness. He’s been put in a medically induced comb-over.
I went to a nightclub last night but the doorman said that I couldn’t enter without a tie. I didn’t have one so I went back to my bus and all I could find was a pair of jump leads. I tied them round my neck and returned to the club. The doorman said ‘Ok, you can come in but don’t start anything’.
