Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. I bought an Elvis record at the market called 'Wooden Leg' I said to the bloke
    "I thought it was called 'Wooden Heart'
    He said "Yes it is, but this is the pirate copy"
    Terrordales, snotty, cunny44 and 12 others like this.
  2. A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

    He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

    When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

    The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
    "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

    It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

    The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
    One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

    When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

    So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

    The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
    He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
    All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
    condolences on your loss."

    The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

    "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

    "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

    “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
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  3. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person"
    The dwarf replied, "I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "It's ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having amazing sex when suddenly the front door opens. "it’s my husband!!" she said. "Quick, hang out of the bedroom window and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away" So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips. The husband comes into the bedroom and says "It’s cold in here" slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground. The woman is distraught and calls an ambulance. A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in the hospital. "How are you," she asked. "Well, my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion," he said. "Oh dear," she said. "Still, it could have been much worse", "Much worse!?" said the dwarf. "How do you figure that out?". "Well," she said, "you’re lucky that I live in a bungalow".
  4. Jules65

    Jules65 Supporter


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
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  5. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    I was Going to post a joke about Sodium, But I thought Na, no one would get it.
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  6. Chrisd

    Chrisd Supporter

    That reminds me of the Famous Five being childish.... nanananana
    Soggz likes this.
  7. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    An atheist was seated next to a dusty old cowboy on an airplane and he turned to him and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
    The old cowboy, who had just started to read his book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
    “Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
    “Okay,” he said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
    The atheist, visibly surprised by the old cowboy's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
    To which the cowboy replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know Marmite?”
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  8. A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
    She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
    "What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
    "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
    "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
    "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"
    "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
    "Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I've ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"
    "Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
    "No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
    "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.
    "But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
    "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
    "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
    The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ...
    "You missed the *****ing putt, didn't you?"
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  9. A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of these purchases home.
    While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time..
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
    The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
  10. cunny44

    cunny44 Supporter

    An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
    He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
    In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
    'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
    Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
    The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
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  11. Just bought an original Van Gough coffee table. I know it’s an original, because it’s got a bit of veneer missing.
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  12. I bought one of those smart light switches, but it was too clever for me.
    So I replaced it with a dimmer switch!
  13. Pudelwagen

    Pudelwagen Supporter

    That is very coatworthy!
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  14. snotty

    snotty Sponsor

    "You know Viagra's freely available now?"
    "Really? Can you get it over the counter?"
    "I can if I take two of them."
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  15. Marty SmartyCat

    Marty SmartyCat Supporter

    A chemist walks into the store he owns...and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.

    "What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.

    "He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."

    "WHAT?" bellows the chemist. "You can't treat a cough with laxatives!!!"

    "Of course you can," replies the assistant, pointing at the man. "Look at him! He's FAR too scared to cough!"
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  16. Marty SmartyCat

    Marty SmartyCat Supporter

    A man is trying to sell his dog to a neighbor...
    "You can have this dog for only £5, and he can actually talk." says the man. His neighbour says, "That's ridiculous, everyone knows dogs can't speak."

    The dog looks up at the neighbor with big, sad, doggy eyes and says, "Oh please, kind sir, buy me so I won't have to live with my cruel master. He won't feed me or bathe me, and he never takes me out for walks. I was once the most richest dog in the whole world. I've played several roles in award-winning movies. I've spoken to kings, queens, and presidents. I fought in the war and got several medals. I even got to travel to the moon."

    "Hey, he can talk!" says the neighbour in amazement. "But why are you offering him for just £5?" he asks the owner.

    "Because" snarls the man, "I'm sick of him always lying!"
  17. Marty SmartyCat

    Marty SmartyCat Supporter

    Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

    I met a few of his cousins too;

    The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

    The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

    The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

    The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

    The one who is so sure of himself, Definite Lee.

    The one you can always predict, Usual Lee.

    The one whose always smiling, Happy Lee.

    The one in disgrace, Shameful Lee.

    The one that isn't very good looking, Ug Lee


    The one who likes perfection, Exact Lee

    In short, I met the whole Fama Lee.
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  18. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    My 84 year old father, was prescribed Viagra in his later years.
    Helped him to stop rolling over in his sleep, and falling out of bed…
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  19. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    I have an addiction to all you can eat buffets.

    You can take what you want from that.
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