An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.... "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. “Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here.” Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. “This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. “What do you want me to do?" “Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear . “Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er . How moch was in dare den?" The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly." Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman I know I wasn’t feeling two grand!
“Woke” has come to a be a term thrown about a lot. Makes you wonder if people know much about what it actually means rather than what the right wing press would have you believe it means.
absolutely. Tbh nothing wrong with being woke, would be a nicer place if people were more mindful of their surroundings and their impact on those around them and the environment itself.
Shamelessly stolen from Facebook. “Oil Change instructions for Women: 1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change. 2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee. 3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $24.00 Coffee: Complementary TOTAL: $24.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00. 2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13. Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19. Remember drain plug from step 11. 20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 21. Drink beer. 22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer. 24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame. 25. Begin cussing fit. 26. Throw stupid crescent wrench. 27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent. 28. Beer. 29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 30. Beer. 31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 32. Beer. 33. Lower truck from jack stands. 34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps. 35. Beer. 36. Test drive truck. 37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 38. Truck gets impounded. 39. Call loving wife, make bail. 40. 12 hours later, get truck from the impound yard. Money spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI: $2,500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail: $1,500.00 Beer: $20.00 TOTAL: $4,145.00 But you know the job was done right!” https://www.facebook.com/cowboyup213
It’s to do with being a ‘family forum’, isn’t it. We don’t want our children to turn into thugs, and know what swearing is, do we? They will lose their own 10mm spanner, in their own time…
Bloke goes the the hospital with 2 of his fingers cut off, nurse says What happened to your fingers Bloke says You know those chiefs that cut up vegetables really quick Nurse says Yes Bloke says Well I can’t do that
True facts. 1. In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' 2. Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. 3. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar 4. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.' 5. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 6. Since 1961 Tottenham fans have said they are going to win the league at the start of every football season, hence the phrase ‘deluded *****’.
Blimey, ok, try this one then… Was on Dartmoor yesterday, and witnessed a midget climbing down the prison wall. I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending…
One for the Southern contingent… man walks into a cafe, looks at menu…a pretty young waitress approaches him and asks him what he would like. He replies, a quicky please, the waitress looks shocked, slaps the mans face and storms off. The man on the next table leans over and says… ……I think it’s pronounced quiche.
Archaeologist discovers a cache of pencils belonging to William Shakespeare. A spokesman for the dig said “the ends are badly chewed. We can’t tell if they are 2B or not 2B”
Two chaps are walking in the desert when they see four market stalls. They decide to try to buy some water. Stall number 1 - no water, only custard. Stall number 2 - no water, only jelly. Stall number 3 - no water, only sponge cake. Stall number 4 - no water, only hundreds and thousands. Walking away, one says 'That was odd wasn't it?' The other replies... 'Yes it was a trifle bazaar'.
