Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. My friend, a train spotter, always used to say he hoped that when his time came, he would get run over by a steam train. Well he was last week. I bet he was chuffed to bits.
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  2. Coaaaaaaaaaaat
    Soggz, Jack Tatty and Meltman like this.
  3. If anyone is interested, I have Punch & Judy puppets for free. No strings, I just want them off my hands.
  4. What if there was no such thing as a rhetorical question?

    My Mrs says I’m unnecessarily secretive.

    or does she…?
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  5. I dont feel too well, I took my cats medicine by mistake. Dont ask meow
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  6. Pudelwagen

    Pudelwagen Supporter

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  7. Mother Superior was travelling by bus with a young novice nun.
    They had to change buses to get to another city.
    They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.
    As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner that read:
    Your height
    Your weight
    Your occupation &
    Your fortune for
    When her curiosity had been aroused, she pointed this out to Mother Superior, who scoffed, saying,
    - “It's just a trick to get your money…no machine can guess your occupation.”
    But the young novice couldn’t be dissuaded.
    - “But Mother, it’s only a penny…”
    and with that Mother Superior said,
    “Fine. If you have a penny go ahead.”
    The girl stepped onto the machine, dropped in her penny and the machine groaned for a bit and finally spit out a small card.
    It read: "You are 5 ft. tall. You weigh 100 lbs. You are a nun, and when you step off this scale, you will pass gas."
    She thought Mother Superior was right - she didn’t feel gaseous, but when she stepped off the scale, she DID pass gas. Now, this really piqued her curiosity.
    She showed the card to Mother Superior, who said,
    - “well it’s probably programmed to guess everyone today is told they are a nun…and passing gas in NOT a fortune - it’s a prediction at best.”
    But she explained that even though she had not felt gaseous, it had happened when she stepped off the scale.
    Mother Superior could see that she needed to prove that this was NOT magic.
    - “Do you have another penny?”
    She did.
    Mother Superior climbed up on the scale and the Novice put a penny in the slot. After another round of groans, the machine spits out another card which read: "You are 5′5″ tall. You weigh 150 lbs. You are a nun, and when you step off this scale, you will pass gas."
    She showed the card to the Novice, saying,
    - “You see, dear. It’s going to say nun to everyone today and that ridiculous pass gas ‘fortune’ as well.”
    She knew she had no gas, but when she stepped off the scale, she loudly did exactly as predicted.
    This became a point of honour for Mother Superior.
    In a minute she asked if the Novice had another penny.
    Yes, she did.
    Mother Superior said,
    - “I want you to get on the scale and step as far forward as you can. I will step on behind you - then drop in your penny and you’ll see this machine is just a hoax.”
    After the standard groaning the machine spits out another small white card that reads:
    • "Your combined height is 10 ft. 5 inches. Your combined weight is 250 lbs. You are 2 nuns, and while you’ve been farting around with a fortune-telling machine you missed your bus."


  8. 308875677_3367947876772194_8242248932826789141_n.jpg
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  9. DubCat

    DubCat Sponsor

    Mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill areas.

    Edit: Blame Stephen King for that one
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  10. A Russian soldier runs up to a nun.
    “Please, let me hide under your dress, I’ll explain later”
    The nun agrees.
    A moment later, two military policemen run up and ask:
    “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
    The nun replied, “He went that way.”
    The police run off…

    The soldier crawls out from under the dress and says “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Ukraine.”
    The nun replies, “I completely understand.”
    The soldier adds, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
    The nun replied …

    “If you looked higher you’d see a great pair of balls. I don’t want to go to Ukraine either.”

    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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  11. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    I think I saw Michael J Fox at my local garden centre. Not entirely sure it was him though as he had his back to the fuchsias...
    tburton100, cunny44 and Norris like this.
  12. COAT!
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  13. Robert walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey...
    The bartender asks, "What's the matter"...?
    Robert says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend"...
    The next day Robert comes in again and orders 12 shots of whiskey...
    The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time"...?
    Robert said, "I found out that my son is gay"...
    The next day Robert comes in the bar again and orders 15 shots of whiskey...
    Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women"...?
    Robert looks up with tears in his eyes and says, "Apparently my wife does"...
  14. Pudelwagen

    Pudelwagen Supporter

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  15. My great grandfather invented the cold air balloon. But it never really took off.
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  16. My Aunty Marge has been in hospital for ages. I can’t believe she isn’t better.
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  17. How do you keep a idiot in suspense!
  18. Chrisd

    Chrisd Supporter

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  19. A Duck walks into Boots and buys some lipstick
    ‘Cash? ‘ asks the salesperson
    ‘No …… can you put it on my bill…. ‘
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  20. Ok, I’m not really sure what Armageddon means. But that’s not the end of the world.

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