Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him: Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would get married, he thought to himself. "She is such a sweet gentle girl, who would never go for this kind of carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured that he could work off any ill effects from the beans by the time he reached home. So he stopped at the diner and before he knew it, he had consumed three large orders of baked beans and a pint of fresh buttermilk. All the way home he fizzed and fuzzed and rattled and put-putted. Upon arriving at home, he felt reasonably sure that he could control his gas. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delicately. "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the table. He seated himself, and she was just about to remove the blindfold when the phone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She then went to answer the phone. The baked beans that he had consumed were still affecting him and the pressure was almost unbearable. So while his wife was out of the room, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight on to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud and rattling, but it also smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. He tool his napkin and fanned vigorously at the stale air around him. Shifting to the other cheek, he ripped off three more which reminded him of cabbage cooking. Keeping his ear turned to the conversation in the other room, he went on like this for ten delightful minutes!!!! When the phone farewells signaled the end of his freedom, he fanned the air a few more times with his napkin, placed it in his lap and folded his hands upon it and smiled contently to himself. His was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologising for taking so long she asked him if he peeked, which he assured her that he had not. At that point she removed the blindfold and was he surprised!! There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish him a Happy Birthday!
I was in Asda, and this horrible woman was on the check-out, face like a slapped arse and all the charisma of a half eaten waffle. I came to pay, I had only bought a few items but had no change. "£1.03 please" said the grumpy cashier. "Sorry this is all I've got," as I handed her a £20 note. 'Haven't you got anything smaller, 'cos it will take all my change, and I don't wanna count out £18.97?" she replied and pulled a stroppy face. "I've got nothing, if that helps," I replied... she didn't get it so I thought ***** it, I'll pay by card. "Shall I pay by card?" I asked. "Don't do me no favours," she snapped. I kept my cool and just put my PIN in. "Cash back?" she asked sarcastically. I couldn't resist it... "Oh yes, £18.97 please."
A friend recommended a mate to paint my stairs. It turned out he’s an airline pilot who was laid off during the pandemic. I have to admit I was dubious at first, but I’d recommend him to anyone. You should see the lovely job he made of the landing!
Or... This morning my house was full of aeroplanes. Turns out that last night, I left the landing light on.
I remember when it used to cost 20 pence on a garage for court to use the air compressor I had to put some air in my tyre this morning and it cost me a pound I guess that’s inflation for you.
Today I Was Ashamed In Front Of My Family I was in the bedroom, having some private time to myself, trying to watch some videos on my phone, and I never guessed I would suffer such embarrassment as a result. I turned the volume down low so nobody else would hear, only me, but I couldn’t hear anything so I turned it up louder, but I still couldn’t hear anything. “There is something wrong with this video,” I thought, but I kind of enjoyed the spectacle anyway. Later on my wife and kids confronted me. “What the hell were you watching in the bedroom?” they asked, looking at me disgustedly. “Wh-what do you mean?” I asked, feeling a great sense of shame welling up in the depths of my stomach. “Shut up,” they said, “we heard the disgusting sounds coming out of your bluetooth speaker!!” My bluetooth speaker was downstairs in the kitchen beside them while they were eating their toast. I had forgotten that my phone was still connected to it. This is why there was no sound coming from the videos. At this moment giving myself a frontal lobe lobotomy with a kitchen knife seemed like it would be enjoyable comparative to the shame I felt. My secret is now out. My entire family now knows I am an Ed Sheeran fan. I’ve lost the respect of my family, don’t let this happen to people that you care about.
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.' Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said. 'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?' Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
