Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.
That is sick - but funny
A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window. For a few moments, the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, “Are you ok? I’m very sorry, but you scared the hell out of me!” The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says “I didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare someone so bad. The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for over 20 years!”
I thought this was going to be about “The Breath Lady”
Baz has been wearing full PPE every time Jenny gets in his cab since well before this COVID palaver started
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thickos from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy says in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said Paddy. "How did you know?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap,,,then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner...then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a crap first..."
What's that there sauce?
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol..
A farmer goes into his large barn to find his farm hand stripped naked and dancing erotically in front of a large farm machine!
"What on earth are you doing?" asks the farmer.
The embarrassed farm hand replies, "My wife doesn’t seem to want me any more so I asked a counsellor what I could do to ease the situation and he suggested I did something sexy to attract her!"
Had to read this one out loud before it clicked!
Me too. Doh!
Or his brother Skid.... Who works in a laundry factory.
Keep up at the back
Separate names with a comma.