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A woman on her deathbed, called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" asks the husband. She replied, "Every time we had crap sex, i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash? "She replies "Every time i got a dozen, i sold them!"
I reckon she'd be having sex six times a day to earn that much cash. No wonder the husband wasn't up to it!
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" "It's Frank. The midget."
Sean Connery's agent phones him up one day and says, "Sean, I know you've not been in any movies for a while but I've got a superb role for you. The good news is that it will reinvigorate your career, the bad news is that the filming is going to be done fairly early in the morning and they'll want you in for tennish. Sean Connery says, "Tennish??? But I don't have a racquet".....
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy. 'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!
A man walks into the doctor’s while wearing nothing but clingfilm. The doctor takes one look at him and says “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch and examines the Wall Street Journal as the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look. One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: “ What do you think about the situation in the stock market Sir?”. The Director, somewhat surprised, asks, “Why are you so interested in that topic?”. “I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market.” "What's your name?", asks the Director. “John Smith H. Sir.” The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department, "Do we have a client named John Smith H.?". "Certainly," answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account." The Director leaves the bank, approaches the shoeshine and says, "Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I'm sure we all have something to learn from you.". At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members, "We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine but Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can all learn something from him." Mr. Smith began his story, "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. As I trudged around, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while having their shoes cleaned and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place." Then finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a high class prostitute in Manhattan, passed away and left me a million dollars."
A man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said,they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'THE TEETH.
