Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.
you gotta larf
Extended version of it ...
I said to him how much for the curry? He said £50, I said ok if you can tell me the name of Jordons son I'll pay double ok?
He said Havey price, I said great, here's £25
Why are the Chinese no good at cricket ?
Cos someone ate all the bats !
I threw a ball for my dog yesterday.
Extravagant, I know, but it was his birthday.
Thought for the day .If anyone’s thinking about making face masks out of old bras ! Only use the left cup , you don’t want to go out looking like a right tit do ya !!
If I had £1 for every time a woman said I wasn't her type, I'd be her type.
Man walks into a Bar..........lucky sod
Was spotted and then remorselessly vilified on social media.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
I was a bit bored, so my Mrs suggested I make a bird table.
Now she’s all shouty because I only put her in fourth place.
A man dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, he sees two lines.
The first line has a sign that says "Henpecked Husbands." The line is full of an endless queue of men that stretches far out of sight.
The sign above the second line says, "Non-Henpecked Husbands." This line is empty, aside from a single scrawny man who was just entering it.
The recently deceased man approaches the single occupant of the second line and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me," he says, "but can I ask why you're the only man in this line?"
The man in the line frowns defensively and says, "My wife told me to stand here."
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with £20 notes. He guesses there must be at least thirty thousand pounds in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay £20 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Jag"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the barman, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the barman £20 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the barman, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole bottle of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my £20 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a bottle of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the barman, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!" He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
Doctor Watson returns home to 221B Baker Street from a busy day at the hospital and finds that his housemate Sherlock Holmes has painted the front door in a really bright Yellow colour. He storms in and pointing at the door says to Sherlock "What on earth do you call that?"
To which Sherlock replies " It's a lemon entry my dear Watson".
Used to know a much ruder version of that joke
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow..
I was talking to a depressed archeologist the other day, he told me his life was in ruins...
Get. Your. Coat.
Separate names with a comma.