Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. I was in the pub and overheard our postman bragging that he had made love to every women in our 14 house cul de sac - bar one!!
    I came home and told the wife what I’d heard. She replied, “It must be that stuck up bitch in number 12!!”
    Poptop2, Merlin Cat, nicktuft and 3 others like this.
  2. So do i:eek: lemons in the back passage
  3. The best part about a cannibal’s wedding, is when they toast the bride and groom.
  4. At a wedding ceremony, the vicar asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

    The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking towards the vicar slowly.

    Everything quickly turned to chaos.
    The bride slapped the groom.
    The groom's mother fainted.
    The ushers started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

    The vicar asked the woman,
    "Can you tell us why you came forward?
    What do you have to say?"

    The woman replied,
    "We can't hear at the back."
  5. I phoned the council this morning to see if I could have a skip outside the front of the house ?
    The lady I spoke too said

    “Go for it fatty , you could do with the exercise “ :eek:
  6. [​IMG]

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
    Merlin Cat, snotty, Day and 8 others like this.
  7. The festival s’cone?
  8. To the scumbag who stole my glasses....

    I will find you.

    I have contacts.
  9. They reckon the average financial cost to parents having to homeschool their children during the pandemic is around £20,000.

    (Or £1,000 if you don't drink.)
  10. First one for the Lockdown.
    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
    Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
    Startled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
    'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
    'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
    The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
    'Moses,' replied the bird.
    'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
    'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

    Second lockdown one.

    One day before lockdown started, an 85-year-old Welshman is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life.

    As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
    "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 30. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

    "I remember building that house over there when I was 35. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

    "I remember building that pub that I still go to when I was 40. If you do that people won't call you 'the pub builder' either. No, No they don't"

    "But if you have sex one time with a Sheep ......."
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2020
    Uncle Nick, Jack Tatty and Pudelwagen like this.
  11. I was stood in line outside B&Q the other day when my missus called me;

    “how big is the queue?”

    “The same size as the B”
    Poptop2, Uncle Nick and Pudelwagen like this.
  12. Apparently I have inherited a large manor house from a long lost uncle.

    Does anyone know where sod hall is ?
  13. The distance between each rung on modern ladders is approximately 6% larger than 50 years ago, due to the increased height of the average person today.

    Scientist’s have put it down to climb it change.
  14. Get. Your. Coat.
    Jonboy_t and Meltman like this.
  15. The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 3 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 4 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels and tyres in under 3 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mercedes team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

    Stay safe, healthy and check your wheels! ​
  16. If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion,
    take one step sideways and then one step back.
    Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion and prevents you from standing in your own crap
    Uncle Nick and Pudelwagen like this.
  17. Pooh and piglet.jpg

    "Where are we going Piglet?" asked Pooh.
    "We need to get supplies," said Piglet. "For the Coronavirus"
    "Ahh," said Pooh, nodding in understanding. "Things like bread, milk, cough mixture, tissues and cat litter even though we don't have a cat?"
    Piglet did a little laugh, and a sort of leap and bit of a cough. "No," said Piglet. "No, those aren't the sort of supplies we need at all! What we need are family sized bags of chocolate buttons, massive toblerone, jelly babies and crunchies and a freezer full of stuffed crust pizzas, and all of the Prosecco that we can possibly carry, so that when we get quarantined we won't mind it even slightly. THOSE are supplies."
    All of a sudden, Pooh thought that the idea of coronavirus didn't seem quite so bad, and actually, getting quarantined with Piglet and their supplies really didn't sound such a terrible thing after all. "Oh Piglet," said Pooh. "I really do think you are a very wise animal."
    As they walked along they spotted Eeyore stood by a stream watching the sticks float by.....
    “Hello Eeyore.” Said Pooh, “we’re off to buy supplies to sit out the quarantine, would you like to come?”
    “No thank you.” Said Eeyore “I’m just going to stand here, look at the stream and contemplate the Economic impact of a media induced panic that several companies are projecting folding straight out of Brexit. Also the NHS being brought to its knees by a huge panic, and the social impact of people distrusting others because they look or are associated with China. People are dumb.”
    “Well that’s sad.” Said Pooh “I much prefer getting Marmitefaced and eating Pizza.”
    “The ironic thing.” Smiled Eeyore is that Panic induces the Stress Response, and the first thing the stress response does is switch off the immune system.”
    “Huh.” Said Pooh. “why would the media do that.”
    “I don’t know.” Said Eeyore “I just watch sticks.”
    Merlin Cat, Tilly, Jack Tatty and 2 others like this.
  18. Fred West was asked how many feet in a yard,
    When he replied 16 don't you think the alarm bells should of rang :eek:
  19. See, now I'm conflicted. Because I know it's not right to find that funny, but I can't help it.
  20. Ok how about this one
    Peter Sutcliffe is in court and the judge starts reading out the charges,,
    " On the 6th of May you Mr Sutcliffe did take a hammer and attacked a prostitute"
    From the public gallery a man jumps up and shouts
    " Sutcliffe you're a bar steward,
    the judge bangs the gavel and says
    " Silence in court "
    He carries on
    " On the 17th of July you Mr Sutcliffe did take a hammer and attacked a prostitute'
    Again there's a shout from the public gallery
    " Sutcliffe you're a bar steward"
    The judge bangs the gavel and again says
    "Silence in court Any more and you will be brought before the court and you will be charged with contempt"
    The judge carries on
    " And on the 7th of Sept you Mr Sutcliffe did take a hammer and attacked the said prostitute"
    Again the man jumps up and shouts
    " Bar steward Sutcliffe, your a complete bar steward"
    " Bring that man before me" says the judge
    They bring the fella before the judge who says" before I sentence you have you anything to say" the fella looks at the judge and says
    " I lived next door to Mr Sutcliffe for 16 years, every time I asked him if he had a hammer I could borrow he always said he didn't have one

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