I’ve been fleeced by a carpenter. I paid him up front to make me a double bed, when I went to fetch it he’d done a bunk!
probably because you was on the looo wow and not in a Mexican prison I’d say. Ozziedog,,,,,, you laughed , but I cringed.
A guy walks into a bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked up at him and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" The guy says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." The guy placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!“ Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to the guy saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money.“ The guy replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life." She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting
Tried donating blood today - never again! So many questions!! who’s blood is it?! where did it come from?! why is it in a bucket?!
Was in a club last night when I saw a lass dancing on a table. I sidled up. “Nice legs” I said. “aww, thanks. You really think so” she replied. “absolutely love! A lesser table would have collapsed by now”
So embarrassed last night. Nothing worse than turning up to a booty call only to find out they’ve text the wrong person. To be fair, I should have seen it coming, Aunty Pam only usually texts me at Christmas.
What do you call a donkey with 1 leg? a wonky donkey! what do you call a donkey with 1 leg and 1 eye? a winky wonky donkey. What do you call a donkey with 1 leg, 1 eye and bad B.O? a winky wonky stinky donkey. what do you call a donkey with 1 leg, 1 eye and bad B.O who’s very unreliable? A winky wonky stinky shonky donkey what do you call a donkey with 1 leg, 1 eye, bad B.O who’s very unreliable and is playing a piano? a winky wonky stinky shonky plinky plonky donkey what do you call a donkey with 1 leg, 1 eye, bad B.O who’s very unreliable and can only play early Elvis songs on the piano? a winky wonky stinky shonky plinky plonky honky tonky donkey.
My mate had builders in doing an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team. At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money and she duly handed it over to the cashier. The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension. "Wonderful." said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week too." She said, " I will if those ******ers from Jewsons deliver the *****ing bricks on time." Like Comment Share
