Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV (Celebrity MasterChef) when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh, it was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle. A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face. He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest. We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling. Then a peculiar thing happened. The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle. The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle. The needle took flight and went straight for my left eye. Straight in it went, instantly blinding me in that eye. I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other eye. I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere. I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was completely blind. Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all. It was a terror pin!!..
A man celebrating his new marriage is having a conversation with his wife. She says "Now we’re married you won't have time to play your guitars, so you might as well sell them all". He says "You sound just like my ex-wife". She says "I didn’t know you were married before". He says "I wasn't".
An aussie was found dead one morning on a Dublin building site. The police were called and asked around if anyone knew him. Mick and Pat said the knew a bit about him They said they had been foe a few drinks at times but didn't know his name but we can tell you has two anuses Yeah right said the cops. Its true said Pat we were only out with him last night and when we walked into the pub I heard the landlord say Here comes that Aussie again with the two a$^*holes
Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 17) morning from great Yarmouth and will fly to Poole (Dorset), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to Jersey and returning to Poole for dinner, then fly back home. If interested please pm me.. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
Apparently the clocks go back in October... I’m screwed then, because I don’t remember where I got mine from.
An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you,
AN IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... And wasn't drunk. ... Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... : " Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
Saw gangs of people last night, pale faced, emaciated, tattered clothing, bemoaning the agony of spending an eternity trapped in an endless living death. That’s the last time I go to a vegan restaurant.
I joined a gym based on their “lose weight, feel great” slogan. 6 months in, nothing! If anything, I’ve put on weight and I still feel as slovenly as ever. If this carries on, I’ve half a mind to actually go there and see what the hell they’re up to with my £40 a month.
I was on a 'diabetes awareness' website... A pop-up said "do you accept cookies" I thought it was trying to catch me out!
I went to the local chemist the other day. “Excuse me”, I said, “do you have any KY jelly?” “We haven’t sir”, he replied, “have you tried Boots?” “Boots?! I want to slide in, not march in!”
Cliff Richard was in China when a fan came up shouting 'Criff.! Criff.! I'm your biggest fan..!Me ruv ur songs...My favourite is Itchy Sore Fanny..!Cliffs a bit shocked and says he's never sang such a song...Yes you have Criff...It goes ITCHY SORE FANNY HOW WE DONT TALK ANYMORE..!
A poor old woman fell over outside Tesco this morning. Well, I assume she was poor anyway, she only had £1.83 in her purse.
