Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. My mate had builders in doing an extension and his five year old daughter decided to help. The builders gave her little jobs to do to make her feel part of the team.
    At the end of the week she was presented with her 'wage packet', which consisted of £2 in small change. Her father took her to the bank to open an account with the money and she duly handed it over to the cashier.
    The cashier asked how she had earned the money and she said she was helping Steve, Big Harry and Wayne build an extension.
    "Wonderful." said the cashier, " and will you be helping them next week too."
    She said, " I will if those appleers from Jewsons deliver the lycheeing bricks on time."
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  2. Yesterday I was sitting in my living room, just watching TV (Celebrity MasterChef) when I noticed something walking on my knee toward my thigh, it was a tiny creature , I bent towards it to take a closer look, it was a tiny turtle.
    A lovely happy tiny turtle. He had a lovely smiley face. He walked on my thigh, up towards my belly, then he settled on my chest. We were there, just looking into each other's faces, smiling.
    Then a peculiar thing happened. The tiny turtle turned bright silver and his body got smaller at the sides, his tiny smiley face turned into point of a needle. The tiny turtle had turned into a three inch sharp needle.
    The needle took flight and went straight for my left eye. Straight in it went, instantly blinding me in that eye. I was screaming and blood was pouring out, then the needle flew straight at my other eye. I was in complete agony and there was blood everywhere.
    I was taken to hospital for sedation, when I awoke I was completely blind.
    Imagine how silly I felt when I discovered it wasn't a tiny turtle after all. It was a terror pin!!..
     
  3. What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?



















    Nothing.
     
    Merlin Cat, nicktuft and zedders like this.
  4. A man celebrating his new marriage is having a conversation with his wife.

    She says "Now we’re married you won't have time to play your guitars, so you might as well sell them all".

    He says "You sound just like my ex-wife".

    She says "I didn’t know you were married before".

    He says "I wasn't".
     
  5. I've just published a book about poltergeists.

    Apparently it's flying off the shelves!
     
  6. An aussie was found dead one morning on a Dublin building site.
    The police were called and asked around if anyone knew him.
    Mick and Pat said the knew a bit about him
    They said they had been foe a few drinks at times but didn't know his name but we can tell you has two anuses
    Yeah right said the cops.
    Its true said Pat we were only out with him last night and when we walked into the pub I heard the landlord say
    Here comes that Aussie again with the two a$^*holes
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
    cunny44, Jack Tatty and zedders like this.
  7. Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (October 17) morning from great Yarmouth and will fly to Poole (Dorset), where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we’ll do a flight to Jersey and returning to Poole for dinner, then fly back home.
    If interested please pm me..
    Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...
     
    snotty, Gingerbus, Crispy and 4 others like this.
  8. Apparently the clocks go back in October...
    I’m screwed then, because I don’t remember where I got mine from.
     
    Kkkaty, Merlin Cat, zedders and 6 others like this.
  9. Poptop2

    Poptop2 Moderator

    An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie

    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
     
    Kkkaty, Day, Gingerbus and 14 others like this.
  10. A cowboy walked into a German car dealership, tipped back his Stetson and said,















    Audi.
     
    Kkkaty, Jack Tatty, Day and 2 others like this.
  11. Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
    "I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
    "Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
    "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
    Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
    "A what?" asked the builder.
    "Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
    A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
    "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
    "A pond" the builder replied.
    "Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
    "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
    "Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
    The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
    "Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
    "Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
    The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
    "Never!" the builder exclaimed.
    "Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
    The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
    "Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
    "A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
    "Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
    "No" replied his mate.
    "Well, you're a wxxxer then!"
     
    Uncle Nick, Kkkaty, Tilly and 8 others like this.
  12. AN IRISH GHOST STORY
    This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.
    The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying ... And wasn't drunk. ...
    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... :
    " Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it." [​IMG][​IMG]
     
    Day, Kkkaty and Pudelwagen like this.

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