A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!
Stayed at a Premier Inn last night. It said the adult channel was disabled. I though…” That’s a bit specialist..”
Doctor doctor please help me, I keep making love to dogs. You filthy pervert, how low can you stoop? Jack Russells.
Jimmy Tarbuck appeared on the haunted fish tank this morning and was reminiscing on his late friend Ronnie Corbett. The pair of them often travelled to the US to appear in support of many charitable events for free. Just before he died, Corbett was travelling back to the UK with Tarbuck and was very tired. The BA stewardess tried to help him, enquiring whether perhaps a magazine might pass the time. "Thank you my dear," he said. I'll have a copy of National Geographic please." "Oh dear," she replied, "we haven't got that on the aircraft." "How about Playboy then?" Same reply, and the stewardess retired in some confusion. When Tarbuck commented on his friend's eclectic choice of reading matter, Corbett replied that "At my age I like to look at things I know I'll never see again!"
A man and a woman are stood in a lift The man says to the woman can I smell your vagina The women shocked says no absolutely not The man content with her answer replies Oh it must be your feet then.
Now I’ve sold the van I decided to have a weekend away on one of those big holiday sites with the mobile home things. Very nice, expect everytime I touched anything I got this nasty electric shock. Turns out I was in a static caravan.
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: ” Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty.. You’re crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking BA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” “BA?” exclaimed the hairdresser.. ” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?” “We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.” “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it…” A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of BA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” “Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me” “Oh, really! What’d he say ?” He said: “Who the hell did your hair?”
A little boy and a little girl were peering down each other's pants. The little boy mocked the little girl for not having anything to see. She fled indoors in floods of tears, leaving one very smug boy. Two minutes later the little girl came back out, grinning broadly. "Why're you so pleased?" said the little boy. " 'Cos my mum says when I grow up, I can have as many of those as I want!"
A depressed bloke was recommended to try doing jigsaws as a way of lightening his mood. His friend asked how that was going. "Dreadful. I couldn't match any of the pieces nor even find any edge ones to start with." "What was the picture on the lid?" "Great big red cockerel." "You daft sod, you've bought a packet of cornflakes.'
