I've just found an old photo of myself when I was a boxer. If you turn it sideways it looks like I'm standing up.
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. Just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine.
A con man, felon and thief walks into a bar. The barman asks... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What can I get you Mr. Trump?
ME: “How's my Mother-in-law nurse?” NURSE: “I’m afraid she’s critical.” ME: “Ah, you get used to that.”
Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. Shes upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & hes upstairs in the room with mommy right now. Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddys car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey? Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screamin then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isnt movin at all! OMG!!! What bout your uncle paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didnt know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think hes dead! Real long pause! Then daddy says, Swimmin pool? Is this 486-5732? Lil girl says No I think you have the wrong number....
A man with a propensity to overindulge goes to his local pub to meet up with a friend. As he leaves the house his wife tells him that if he comes home worse for drink she will leave him. Down at the pub one thing leads to another and towards the end of the night the man is drunk and ends up vomiting down his own jumper. The man panics and starts to shake with fear at which point his friend asks what the issue is. The man explains the warning his wife had given him and how he didn’t want to lose her, but feared the vomit on his jumper would be the straw that broke the camels back. At this the man’s friend suggests that all he has to do is tell the wife that another drunken person had vomited down him and present her with a £20 note saying that the offending person had given the £20 to him to cover the dry cleaning bill. The man thought this was an excellent plan so continued drinking with his friend till the pub closed. When the man finally arrived home he finds his wife waiting up for him and she sees the vomit down his front. Before the wife could speak the man raised this hand with an open palm promptly reciting the tale that another person had vomited on him and had given him £20 to cover the dry cleaning costs. At this the wife asks why her husband has two £20 notes his palm if the person who had vomited on him had only given him £20? The husband replied saying the other £20 had been given to him by the other man that had s.h.i.t in his pants. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
DURING MY PROSTATE EXAM, I ASKED MY DOCTOR WHERE I SHOULD PUT MY PANTS. "OVER THERE BY MINE" WAS NOT THE ANSWER I EXPECTED.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly attractive waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'
If there are any guitar players out there who want to know the secret to making their instrument sound better, stay tuned.
