The SAS are interviewing three new recruits. First applicant is quite a normal looking bloke, who's warned that to prove his dedication he must take a loaded rifle into the next room and shoot his wife. "No way," cries the recruit. "Then I'm afraid you're failed. Please send in the next applicant." Who looks quite a tough nut until he hears the same command. He also refuses and sends in the third applicant, who's covered in scars and has a bad twitch. He picks up the rifle and leaves the room. Shortly afterwards the recruiting sergeant hears six shots followed by a minute's pitiful screaming. The recruit returns and says, "You mean sod. Those were blank rounds; I had to strangle her."
And that's when the fight started... Here are some jokes on this theme that I have just found in tinternet ....some of them might have been on here before My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my Driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
Bloke goes past a farm down the road. Sees a sign ‘Talking Dog for sale’, so he goes in to have a look. The farmer leads him out into a barn and shows him this bedraggled looking Terrier, then leaves. The man looks at the dog and asks it his name. “Steve”, says the dog. The bloke steps back with a shocked look and asks Steve why he looks so rough. Steve says “ I did three tours in Iraq, the first two wasn’t too bad, still left a bit of a mark, but sort of hardened me up for the third. That’s the one that really took its toll. The bombings, shots going off everywhere, just trying to save your own life on a daily basis, let alone worrying about the others in the squad. Certainly gave me a real bad time, I don’t sleep and when I do, I have constant nightmares and often wake up in cold sweat. Cant eat and that’s the reason I look like this”. The man leaves the barn and returns back to the farmer. “ A talking dog! I can’t believe it. Sounds like he’s had a bad time though. How much do you want for him?” Farmer says, “ you can have him for a fiver.” “A fiver ? For a talking dog.Is that all, after what he’s been through?” “ Yes, a fiver”, said the farmer. “ He’s a bloody liar, he’s never been to Iraq”.
Chuck Norris went to a feminist rally. He came back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich made for him.
On holiday in Portugal, I fancied something different, so I asked for Octopus. I asked the waiter for it, and he says it takes four hours. “Four hours?”, I said. “Yes”, he replied. “Why that long?”, I asked. “Well… we cook them live, but it keeps turning the gas off”….
Scientists have said one day it may be possible to live on Mars… My mate tried that once. He put on 3 stone and got type 2 diabetes!…
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal, you've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you." "But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me now!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, And we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and tried asking for a packet of aspirin?"
