This town aint big enough for the both of us!

Which, to be fair, wasn't unusual...he was small in stature and aside from the aforementioned limp, he had a somewhat feminine gait, due to the fact that his Mother had really wanted a daughter. From an early age, his mother had dressed him in frocks, dyed his hair Platinum blonde and insisted he have deportment lessons twice a week.
Only after his Mother's unfortunate demise, where she fell down the stairs in 'unusual circumstances', was S. Ilver able to rediscover with his congenital masculinity, but in times of stress, he often resorted to Gingham and the soft reassuring feel of silk panties...

 

and i thought it was

 

...which, it transpired, he had stolen from the ladies changing room at the back of the hall. S Ilver had noticed, as he lovingly caressed Miss Bea Rubble's panties, as it was her unmentionables that attracted him most, that a small circular hole in the changing room wall seemed to give a view into the darkened room next door.
After he'd changed into the comforting knickers he went to find out what the room next door actually was. What would the ladies in the church hall changing room want to spy on?
He was shocked to discover that the room next door was the vicars sitting room.
Far from the the ladies spying on someone, instead they were being spied on, and by their vicar of all people. He couldn't quite believe that such depraved practices were going on in Little Codrington cum Stowe.

Prior to his sheepish entry into the main hall S Ilver had telephoned the police and reported the unwholesome activities of the vicar, Mr Harry Frank.

Mr Iver had decided that his town, Little Codrington cum Stowe, was indeed not big enough for both of them.
As he heard the feint sounds of police sirens in the distance S Ilver broke into song....

 

Yes, but what about the song?

 

Meanwhile, back in the main hall, entertainer and Professional Yorkshireman, t'Woody was in the throes of another sheepish entry altogether, much to the amusement of those gathered, but we won't go into that, for just as S.Ilver's dulcet tones were overridden by the rantings of the overly officious Warden, in walked Brown Star and Ginger Lee struggling with what appeared to be Bingo Ball Dispenser....(the official name for which escapes me at the moment)

 

Apparently, it's a Bingo Ball Dispenser....

 

This is better than my book club.

 

Tom who?

 

announced Brown Star to the crowd.....as he and Ginger Lee placed the ungainly contraption on the table, next to the raffle prizes.


"You lookin' fer me?" said a gruff voice from the back of the hall

"Er...? Not as far as I know" replied Brown Star, rather perplexed....

"I'm Bola....Tom Bola...TB to my friends...."

"OH! I see" said BS, laughing a little..."Sorry...a bit of a miss understanding..."

"You lookin' fer me?" said a small feminine voice from behind the table.

"Eh?" said Brown Star, turning to face a pretty young woman sporting a bustle and bows....

"I'm Miss Understanding....I'm here to draw the Raffle....

"Raffle?" queried Brown Star

"Rifle!....who's toting a Rifle?" shouted Sandy who was a little hard of hearing after having stood too close to the bank Alarm earlier....

"I said RAFFLE..." shouted Miss Understanding.....

"Sorry", said Sandy "I'm a bit Mutton Geoff"

at which point Mutton Geoff, t'Woody's wooly assisstant let out a questioning bleat..........

 

"This is getting worse than a Brian Rix farce" muttered Brown Star. "If it gets any more surreal we'll have Gladys Friday and Diana Phirst turning up on stage with Reah Gretabul to sing us a medley of Andrews Sisters numbers".
"Well it might be a laugh" said Ginger Lee "but it won't help us to decide who's gonna be top dog in this here little burg.
"You're right Ginger" Brown Star agreed, " Get in there and find that pathetically puerile purveyor of pizza's and tell him to meet me outside in 10 minutes...

 

I might have to wait for the film to come out as i have to go back to work