This town aint big enough for the both of us!

"The stagecoach is a comin" shouted a very excited man with a limp.. El Van Orak stood aside as the saloon emptied onto the street to welcome the stage coach.....

 

As the stage coach pulled up outside of sANDY's saloon and the dust from the wheels blew away, it revealed Barmy Barney the chap with the bulging chaps, go running past in the background still chasing his horse and shouting " Wait for me, I need to get to the hospital before my nuts burst through me chaps"

As Barmy Barney disappeared around the stable corner and out of shot, the stagecoach door was opened, a step placed in front and out stepped the resplendent @Ermintrude in her finest silk dress and designer hat. " eh up chucks, I just been to the feckin cash and carry, Jeez what a queue at the checkout, feckin Apache's are tekin over all t pie shop's, they will be opening late soon as well, work for nothing that lot.. feck me I need a swift Gin or two, get out me way you lot and let me get to the bar"....

And with that the stage coach door shut, Ermintrude the pie shop owner strode purposefully towards sANDY's saloon, as she did so, the chinking of her spurs drew the eye to her footwear beneath her layers of petticoats, 18 hole Doc Martins, adorned with star studs and painted lime green, the spurs were adornment only, but every man Jack and boy in Tlbville knew full well Ermy could use those spurs in strange and erotic ways. If you bought enough pies!

El Van Orak, stood rolling a cheroot at the saloon door, Ermy snarled in his direction as she passed through, tugged harshly at his drooping moustache and whispered in his ear "Later, my little whipping boy. later!" El Van Orak watched her walk across the saloon floor and a warm glow lit up his loins, " sheet, I drop moi matcheez on my knackerzz, Ooo, ouchh"......

 

Randy 'the bartender' smiled and spoke to Ermy as she came to the bar.

" Ey oop chuck, usual triple G n T, easy on the T is it?"

" Aye, mek it two, feckin Apaches, p,,ed me right off today!"

" Apache's eh, I can never tell t'difference, Sioux, Apache, Navaro, they all look t'same to me chuck!"

" Oh, I can, Them Apache's always wear a red feather and the Navaro, are quieter more polite, a bit like us, Them Sioux are just smelly feckers!"

" I don't know what they are doing here, fecking scroungers"

" I know, come here all feathers and war paint, dressed like a pot of flowers, speaking their own language, scrounging land, killing feckin Buffalo last night out on the prairie they were, I mean, This is America, you'd think you were in"...

The conversation tailed off as the piano struck up and the tambourine broke into a uneven rattle as Rusty, began to hum his tune.. DA DA DA, DA DA DAT, DARN,,,

 

Meanwhile, at the back of the set, two of the scriptwriters had gone awol....

 

Back at the saloon, the doors burst open again and there stood growlin and obviously a little peeved was @dog, Dog shouted across the room at no one in particular " This is my story. did you all know my real name is Susan? well it is" and at that he picked up his guitar and began to sing..

"My daddy left home when I was three And he didn't leave much to ma and me Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue."

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk, It seems I had to fight my whole life through.
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head, I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue."

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean, My fist got hard and my wits got keen, I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame.
But I made a vow to the moon and stars That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars
And kill that man who gave me that awful name.

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July And I just hit town and my throat was dry, I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew.
At an old saloon on a street of mud, There at a table, dealing stud,
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue."

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had, And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye.
He was big and bent and gray and old, And I looked at him and my blood ran cold And I said:
"My name is 'Sue!' How do you do! Now your gonna die!!"

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes And he went down, but to my surprise, He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear.
But I busted a chair right across his teeth And we crashed through the wall and into the street
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer.

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men But I really can't remember when, He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile.
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss, He went for his gun and I pulled mine first,
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile.

And he said: "Son, this world is rough And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along.
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye I knew you'd have to get tough or die
And it's the name that helped to make you strong."

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight And I know you hate me, and you got the right To kill me now,
and I wouldn't blame you if you do. But ya ought to thank me, before I die, For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'"

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun And I called him my pa, and he called me his son, And I came away with a different point of view.
And I think about him, now and then, Every time I try and every time I win, And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

El Van Orak tutted and said, I eez sick of standing by zeez door, eet eez goingz to have somebodeez eye out!

 

And the whole saloon relaxed, there was audible sigh, sANDY told rANDY to put the drinks on the house. The room fell silent, disbelieving eyes to turned to sANDY some of the bar girls fainted, sANDY had never before so much as threw away a spent match. Astonished and delirious the punters, texted their friends and family, people came from miles around to enjoy sANDY's new found generosity. sANDY went for a lie down, but spent the next two hours self flagellating in the back yard. he often did this in times of stress and random acts of generosity, Not usually his own though? God, he was going to have to be severe on himself this time!

 

And Poppy sang. 7

As he sang he looked around the saloon and saw people he could call friends. Poppy was an happy man.

In the corner under an alcove a small gaggle of people he could not see,but knew well were at that very moment plotting.....

 

Radar and aeroplanes in the wild West?

 

You're just being silly now!

 

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes he is!!!!

 

Hangs his head in shame and pretends he is ashamed.

OH YES HE IS!

 

I know, but they never had radar.

 

' What a feckin idiot. I mean who would wear a flat cap? Poppy then turned, tutted and smiled condescendingly at S Ilver, Don't tell them your name S Ilver, don't tell them your name!

 

S Ilver stood to attention, and asked if anyone had seen his Mum or Uncle Arthur. sANDy, pondered for a moment, had a sudden thought and jumped up shouting "DON'T PANIC Cptn POPPY.. DON'T PANIC" and ran around a little too theatrically, looking a tad camp!