Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.
I heard they met online
Is this your coat, Mr Darby?
If it isn't, then he needs to find it pretty sharpish!
He certainly needs to be taken down a peg or two
Now we're cooking!
I, take thee,
To be my support,
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For wetter, or worse,
For knicker or smaller,
In rain and in shine,
Till dry do us part.
Chris you actually worked on that!
Took me a minute!
My kids cried when I put ginger in their curry. They really loved that cat.
I slept with two Thai girls the other night.
It was like winning the lottery…
Six matching balls….
You're in big twubble. ^
Funniest I’ve seen in ages
A man goes to see a talent scout with his dog. He says, “My dog can talk! That’s gotta be worth a contract!”
The scout says, “This I gotta see. Go for it!”
So the man says to the dog, “What’s on the top of a house?”
The dog says, “Roof! Roof, roof, roof!”
The man asks, “What’s on the outside of a tree?”
The dog says, “Bark! Bark! Bark, bark!”
“How does sandpaper feel?”
Rrrrruff! Ruff, ruff, ruff!”
Then he asks, “Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?”
The dog goes, “Ruth! Ruth, Ruth! Ruth!”
The talent scout says, “Get outa here!” and tosses them out the door.
As the man walks away, looking dejected, the dog turns to him and says, “Wait - DiMaggio?”
Worth a groan
I don't like DIY proctologists. They're so far up their own arses.
Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio:
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'
5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself
Young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out. "Oh bigboy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks. "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims. "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring......
Wait for it......
You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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