Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. bernjb56

    bernjb56 Administrator

    Edinburgh Fringe one liners:

    • "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
    • "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
    • "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
    • "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
    • "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
    • "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
    • "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
    • "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
    • "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
    Poptop2, Dubs, Pony and 6 others like this.
  2. You copied jokes 2 to 10, but not the winner!

    I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets.
    Poptop2, Dubs, Ermintrude and 4 others like this.
  3. bernjb56

    bernjb56 Administrator

    CollyP likes this.
  4. I thought Milton Jones joke was the best meself. :thumbsup:
    bernjb56 and Barneyrubble like this.
  5. Been to see him a few times ,he’s clever and quick especially with crowd heckle :D
    Dubs, bernjb56 and Jack Tatty like this.
  6. Sitting in the pub tonight and two bits of tarmac walked in , this bloke said “who’s that one with the white line down his back” this other bloke said “ ooooow don’t talk about him he’s a cycle path .
  7. My dad once told me “son, you can never run away from your problems”

    He was right and, you know what? I still really treasure that postcard.
    Poptop2, Ermintrude, Kkkaty and 8 others like this.
  8. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
    As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
    Coco, Gingerbus, Merlin Cat and 9 others like this.
  9. Lincolnshire police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it,
    has been bailed
    Gingerbus, Merlin Cat, Soggz and 8 others like this.
  10. Taught my cat about Chairman Mao yesterday.

    Little git won’t shut up about him now.
    Merlin Cat, Soggz, snotty and 3 others like this.
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  12. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    I think we've run out of coats for this thread. :lol::lol:
  13. I’ve ordered extra ones.
    Uncle Nick and Terrordales like this.
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    Merlin Cat, Soggz and Terrordales like this.
  15. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    They're working overtime in The Terrordales Coat Company (Hong Kong) Ltd*.


    *A division of Terrordales Global Investment Company Ltd ( Cayman Islands ).
    Coco, nicktuft, Poptop2 and 6 others like this.
  16. A man goes out for a date with a woman that one of his friends has arranged.

    The woman is waiting for him at the restaurant table as he comes in.

    After about 20 minutes of small talk the woman asks him how many beers does he drink a day.

    Man: About three a day.

    Woman: Each one would cost at least £3.

    Man: Yes that is correct.

    Woman: How long have you been drinking beer?

    Man: 20 years

    Woman: So 3 beers a day at £3 each a day makes £225 a month. So in a year £2,700

    Man: Correct

    Woman: So in the past 20 years you have spent circa £54,000.

    Man: Yes

    Woman: Do you realise that you could have bought a Porsche with all that money.

    Man: OK. Do you drink beer?

    Woman: No

    Man: So where is your Porsche then!
    Coco, davidoft, Kkkaty and 3 others like this.
  17. Merlin Cat

    Merlin Cat Moderator

    What’s an Essex girls favourite wine?

    I wish my boobs were bigger :)
    Poptop2, Kkkaty, crossy2112 and 2 others like this.
  18. It's funny how the word digital means different things to different people. At the doctors the other day I found out a digital rectal examination isn't something you can do online.
  19. I said to the baker “ how come all your cakes are 50 p but that one is a pound ?” He said “that one is ma dearer cake “
    Gingerbus, Day, Poptop2 and 7 others like this.

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