Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. ron

    ron

    its got to be a joke hasn't it ? :D


    President Trump: "The Continental Army suffered a bitter winner at Valley Forge, found glory across the waters of the Delaware and seized victory from Cornwallis of Yorktown. Our Army manned the air, it ran the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do." pic.twitter.com/KQIGDUWDG3

    — The Hill (@thehill) July 5, 2019
     
  2. Nothing from The Donald surprises me these days.
     
  3. Soggz

    Soggz An inquisitive supporter

    Good air show!
     
  4. Jules65

    Jules65 Supporter

    A local supermarket installed a self diagnosing medical kiosk in their foyer and for £10 and a urine sample, it would diagnose any condition. When a customer who was unable to get a Doctors appointment went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow”. The machine also gave advice on how to treat what it had diagnosed and the printout also read “Soak the affected elbow in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
    Impressed with the diagnosis and curious how the machine worked, the customer wondered if he could fool the machine.
    He set about creating a concoction and mixed some tap water with dog mess and added some urine samples from both his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture too.
    On the customers next visit to the supermarket he put the sample he had created into the machine and waited for the printout with a wry grin. A short time passed and the machine created a print out of its findings which read:
    1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
    3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
    4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you keep playing with yourself, your tennis elbow won't get any better!
     
  5. My wife and I went to the Calgary Bull Sale & Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
    ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

    We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
    'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

    'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
    'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said,
    'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

    My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
     
    paul2590, jivedubbin, Soggz and 11 others like this.
  6. Pudelwagen

    Pudelwagen Supporter

    FB_IMG_1563691931826.jpg
     
  7. A mate of mine died after taking an E.

    A word to the wise - security at Countdown DO NOT mess around.



    Another mate has just died too. The Big C.

    He was walking past Curry’s when the sign fell down.
     
    cunny44, Soggz, Barneyrubble and 2 others like this.
  8. My other half says I’m tight! So, to prove her wrong, I took her out for tea and biscuits.

    Quite exciting really, I’ve never given blood before.
     
    Pony, Soggz, cunny44 and 7 others like this.
  9. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift

    67823162_2934303966643958_8419159000024612864_n.jpg
     
  10. You know those blue plaques that get put up outside the house where a famous or influential person lived? Well, I went for a bit of a wander to see who’d lived in my street and had one!

    The house where the inventor of the vacuum lived? Plaque!

    The house where the inventor of the microwave oven lived? Plaque!

    The house where the inventor of the television lived? plaque!

    The house where the inventor of the toothbrush lived? No plaque.
     
  11. :rolleyes:
     
    Soggz and Jonboy_t like this.
  12. Gingerbus

    Gingerbus Supporter

    Best get your coat...


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  13. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift

    A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

    So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

    The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.
     
  14. I bought some shampoo yesterday.

    Can’t believe it wasn’t real poo.
     
  15. FB_IMG_1565689600018.jpg
     
  16. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift

    Kkkaty, Merlin Cat, Dubs and 4 others like this.
  17. I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.
     
    Kkkaty, Jack Tatty, Soggz and 6 others like this.
  18. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift

    Poptop2, Kkkaty, Jack Tatty and 5 others like this.
  19. jivedubbin likes this.
  20. .A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The young assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers.The man persists and asks to see the manager.
    The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

    "Some prick out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."

    As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

    Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

    "Glasgow , sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave glasgow?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."

    "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Glasgow."

    "You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
     
    Poptop2, Kkkaty, mjones1969 and 13 others like this.

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