A big thank you to the little old lady that helped all those frozen cows in a field yesterday . How did she do that people said ? Well she just put her hands on them !! Thanks again Thora Herd .
Due to the heavy snow forecast, I went to the ahop on my bicycle, to buy a bottle of whisky. I put it in the bicycle basket. Then as I was about to leave,I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all of it before I cycled home. Bloody good job I did because I fell off the bike seven times on the way home.
A woman visits her local plastic surgeon for a spot of vaginoplasty as her flower had now begun to look less like a flower and more like a toad in the hole after 4 kids, and 20 years of marriage had taken their toll. Upon awakening from anesthesia, she's confused to find 3 beautiful red roses lay at the foot of her hospital bed. She calls the nurse and asks for an explanation. Ah says the nurse the first rose is from your surgeon he says you were such a model patient and the operation went swimmingly he wanted go congratulate you on your new vagina! And the second, asks the woman?? The second rose is from your husband Charles, he had a quick peek beneath the sheets and cant wait to get you home to try it out! And the third rose asks the woman?? Mmmm says the nurse! The third rose is from Eric in the burns unit, he said thanks for the new EARS
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL: 1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL: 1) Wrap it in cheese.
Our border terrier can find a pill hidden in any amount of food and hide it under the table so we think he has eaten it
I once ground a worming tablet into about 40 little pieces and mixed it with the dog's dinner. Five minutes later, all the food had gone but there were 40 little pieces of worming tablet on the floor.
I was explaining irony to an American friend of mine but he just couldn’t understand it, which was ironic considering we were at a bus stop.
Man goes to the doctors,I have a problem,I wake up in the morning have sex with the wife 3 ,4 times I get to work,the secretary is waiting for it,have sex with her 4,5 times ,tea lady comes round,3,4 times,lunch time go round to the mistress 3,4 times get back to work,secretary 3,4 times get home wifes waiting on the doorstep,all night long.Doctor says whats the problem? Well Doctor when I ****** it really hurts.
OUR FUTURE Cambridge Analytica Hello! Is this Gino's Pizza? No sir - it's Google Pizza. I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry. No sir - Google bought Gino's Pizza last month. OK. I would like to order a pizza. Do you want your usual, sir? My usual - you know me?p According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust. OK - that's what I want . May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust? What? I detest vegetables. Your cholesterol is not good, sir. How the hell do you know? Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago. I bought more from another drugstore That doesn't show on your credit card statement. I paid in cash. But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. I have other sources of cash. That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law. WHAT THE HECK? ! ! ! ! I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.. Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !! I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago
Had a lovely indian last night, I ordered chicken tarka. My missus said don't you mean chicken tikka, I said no, it's like chicken tikka but a little otter.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
Watched a seminar the other day called ‘the best way to join two pieces of metal together without the use of welding’ It was riveting
How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? Dip it in petrol and throw it on a fire. How do you make a dog go ‘meow’? Freeze it and run it through a band saw.
