Joke

To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft office I will find you,
you have my WORD

 

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy on a recommendation I decided to have it done in Yorkshire , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in Yorkshire .

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

..
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

 

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome, and sex with 2 people is called a twosome.... you should understand why they call me handsome...

 

Still got that poster of Theresa then Bazza

 

After I won the local pub quiz last night two gorgeous blondes came over to me.
The first one said, "We find intelligent men incredibly hot and sexy."
The second blonde said, "Do you know what three way is?"
I replied, "Yes, it's the name of the dog in Hart to Hart."
Dumb blondes will need a better quiz question than that if they want to get the better of me, I thought smugly to myself as I left the pub!

 

Malc have you seen the full picture of her

 

Would ya?

 

You have, haven't ya

 

I have some scruples you know,

 

4 Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach.

They were all philosophising on what the fastest thing in the world was.

Seymour said “me tink de fasses ting is a thought because b4 u can tink it it already thought”

Winston said “nah man da fassess ting is a blink cos b4 u tink 2 blink u dun blink already”

Delroy said “no man da fassess ting is helectricity because when u turn on de light it travel fass and de lite come on”

Leroy say “nah man de fassess ting is diarrhoea”

“Diarrhoea?” they all say.

Yeah man cos las nite before i could tink, blink or switch de lite on me Marmite meself.!!

 

I had them when I was younger and you cannot catch them twice

 

Are scruples the Cockney equivalent of scrumpy?
Asking for a friend.

 

A kid in the park informed me that smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette and told him so was talking to strangers.