Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar? Well, Demerara. Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk
looks exactly same shape as the Aldi one I got last week which must have come from Liverpool as no wheels
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?” The man says “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?” The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks “What do you guys want today?” The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?” The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.” The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?” The man says, “That’s where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight p.ssy.”
A man pulls a cracking blonde lass and takes her out for a meal. The conversation gets on to family; Her - “do you have any kids?” Him - “yeah, I’ve got one that’s just under two” Her - “ don’t take the mickey. I may be blonde but I know how many one is”.
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’ So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty. ‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. ‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked. I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her. She fainted.”
Reminds me of the one about the two little old ladies sitting on a bench smoking, when it starts to rain. One whips out a condom, snips off the end and continue puffing away with a nice dry fag, whilst her friend watched in amazement. Friend asks what it is, she says is a condom and you can buy them from the chemists. So not wanting to loose any more fags to the rain, off the little old lady goes to the chemist and asks about condoms, and the pharmacist gently asks what sort it is she thinks she might want, at which the little old lady says she is unsure, just so long as it fits a camel....
What's the definition of a dyslexic,agnostic suffering from insomnia? Someone that lies awake all night,wondering if there really is a dog....
All these jokes are stolen but they made me laugh. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible. This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real-ladder. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t” How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One… or two? Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well. Whatdya call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 25 bobs
