Groooooooaaaan

Sometimes I drink my whisky neat. Other times I just wear jeans and flip flops.

 

My uncle holds the world record for the most pigeons on him at any one time...what a ledge.

 

I can't park my camper an, it won't fit in the bay

 

I went to buy a television. The assistant said 'analogue'? I said 'no, just a television'

 

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me

 

here goes
went in the shop to buy a comb the assistant says you want a steal one i said no i ll buy it thank you very much

 

"Hey whats that"??,
"its a greyhound"
" what are you gona do with that"?
"race it"
"by the look of that youll win" T.C.

 

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other, can you drive this thing?

 

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says
"Can you smell fish?"

 

I dropped a real clanger in work this morning. Fortunately, it was unhurt.

 

Saw a very sad film at the cinema last night.

Chap in front was crying, then the mrs started sobbing, then a guy two rows up starts wailing ----

Next thing I know I get hit on the back of the head with a harpoon.

 

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."









You should have named this thread - The Tim Vine Appreciation Society

 

A skeleton walked into a bar. The barman said "d'you want the usual?"

"yep. pint of lager and a floorcloth"

 

What do you call a school kid with two bags?

Bi-Satchel.

 

someone threw a bottle of cod liver oil tablets at me yesterday.I went to A & E but they sent me home as I only had super fish oil injuries.

 

called an ambulance when my Mrs collapsed, they said do you need a stretcher?

No says I, I like her the height she is

 

i was walking down this dark alley last night and the girl in front of me started walking faster, so i started walking faster, then she started running, so i started running too, then she started screaming, so i screamed as well......


i've got no idea what we were running from.

 

I walked into B&Q and one of their staff asked "do you want decking"? Luckily, I managed to get my punch in first.