HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030? Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world "Little India " formerly known as Australia . Jersey executes last remaining Greenie. White minorities still trying to have English recognised as UK 's third language. Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged. Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice. Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced. Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat. Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think. Britain 's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success. Wall Street banks merge to form new super bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch. Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Iran still quarantined. Physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation! Serves them right. Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032. Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. After a ten year £75.8 billion study, commissioned by the Labour Party: Scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone. Global cooling blamed for the Australian (Little India ) citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq . Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime. Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches. New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons. Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent. Bradford won this years FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you." "But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike!" See - Men just don't listen!
Top Signs That You're Too Old to Trick or Treat ... 10. You get winded from knocking on the door. 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you. 8. You ask for high fiber candy only. 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over. 6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask! 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest. 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders. 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece. 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker. and last but not least... 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
I bought my wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween, nothing sexual, just to give her better grip on her broomstick.
Halloween Riddles Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was buttering up his teacher. Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now. Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back! How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball? He turns into a bat every night. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts. How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch. How does a girl vampire flirt? She bats her eyes. What did mama cannibal said to baby cannibal when he told her that he really liked his grandfather? "Would you like another piece?" What did the cannibal do when he saw an "All you can eat" restaurant? He had two waiters and a busboy. What did the french fries dress up as for Halloween? Masked potatoes. What did the little ghost have in his rock collection? Tombstones. What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost? "Don't spook until you're spooken to." What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I'd like a beer and a mop! What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley? I'm bone to be wild. What do baby ghosts wear on their feet? Boo-ties What do ghosts and goblins drink on Halloween? Ghoul-aid. What do ghosts put on top of an ice cream sundae? Whipped scream. What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream. What do little ghosts drink? Evaporated milk. What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships. What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray. What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A holy terror. What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin. What do you call a little monster's parents? Mummy and deady. What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster. What do you call a roomful of ghosts? A bunch of boo-boos. What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A sand witch. What do you call dead cows that come back to life? Zombeef. What do you do with a green monster? Wait until it ripens. What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo. What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius? Pumpkin pi. What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? Bone-bones in a heart shaped box. What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs. What game do ghost like to play? Peek-a-Boo. What goes "Ha-ha-ha . . . THUD!" A monster laughing his head off What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist. What happens when a ghost haunts a theater? The actors get stage fright. What instrument do skeletons play? Trom-BONE. What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast. What is a ghost's favorite desert? Iced Screams. What is a ghost's favorite oatmeal? SCREAM of Wheat. What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving. What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling. What is as sharp as a vampires fang? His other fang. What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now? Decomposing. What is Dracula's favorite kind of dog? A blood hound. What is the tallest building in Transylvania? The Vampire State Building. What kind of key opens a casket? A skeleton key
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said ..... 'Thank you luv, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat Illegitimate child, I was talking to the cat!' I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
My wife just said, "what do you think? i've had this 25 years and it still fits me. are you impressed?" i replied "not really no, it's only a scarf" what has 2 wings and a halo? the phone in a chinese takeaway An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
When I was born, I was given a choice - A big penis or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...' There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly. Virginity can be cured. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.
A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.' And the Blonde entered Heaven... ... you're singing it now, aren't you?!
my wife would not believe that i could build a car out of spaghetti you should have seen her face when i drove pasta
Better than Google Earth....make sure popups unblocked. You must see to believe. IT'S UNCANNY I was shocked to find my location on Earth so EASILY!! It's was almost unbelievable. I was surprised to learn that such technology exists. It uses your IP address and finds the exact location of any internet user in seconds. It uses a sophisticated time based algorithm to do so. Try it and find your PRECISE location on the earth, then watch your screen as the system briefly analyzes your data...then displays your PRECISE location....Your location will pop up in a new window in about 10 seconds or so. Click on the link below...... http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. ... "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story." The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years". "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying Illegitimate child, he's never been out of the garden. ;D
the right rev IAN PAISLEY n ireland hass been taken into hospital latley , no one knew what was wrong with him , it has been leaked to the press that he has been diaginosed as an alcholic ? well some one said they heard him walking round STORMOUNT ie irish parliment shouting WHERES MC GUINNESS owen nw lol > ;D
It has been a very sad day today. My Wife and Daughter have decided to leave me, because of my addiction to horse racing....... They are at the gate. And they're off!!
A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"
