Q: Why do men like blonde jokes?? A: Because they can understand them. Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool? A: Air bubbles. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what? Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Dr. Phill was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are so obsessed with eating you've Even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, It manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the Hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."
The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the boys.' I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the Heineken went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realising my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. Even when totally smashed... three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = (MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 'Midnight' She didn't seem *******ed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked her why, she said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh sh* t', cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
Bloke goes 2 buy a talking dog, he gets there, dog says 'alright mate?' guy says 'bloody hell, iv seen it all now' Dog says 'i've won cruffs 5 times, bin on tv, in films, sniffed out explosives in iraq & run 8 marathons. Guy says 2 the owner 'why u selling him then? Owner says 'cos hes a lying git!
Jake was dying. His wife becky! was by his bedside! becky he said in a tired voice. 'theres sumthin i need 2 tell u! shh said becky theres nothin 2 say. 'no i must die in peace i shagged ur sister , ur best friend, her best friends and ur mother' I know whispered becky 'That's why I poisoned you'!!!
On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "W hat happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "T hat little Marmite, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "T hat he did," says Pa ddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "W ell," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A bloke who'd had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "S o," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "W hy, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "W ell," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "O h, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "F or awhile there, I thought I'd gone deaf"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said,"I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
Welsh man in Cardiff buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.. Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. No, she says, they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn!
whats brown and sticky? A stick what do you call postman pat when he retires? Pat What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took him to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in his ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear just fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.' The druggist says:'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The druggist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week!
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman escape from a prison camp one night, but are being pursued by two Nazi guards. Running down into an alleyway, the Englishman spots three sacks and says: 'Quick, lets hide in these'. Just as they do, the guards round the corner into the alley and see the sacks moving. Running over, one of the guards kick the first sack containing the Englishman. 'WOOF!' Cries the Englishman. Assuming there must just be a dog in the sack, they leave it alone and prod the second sack. 'MIAOW!' Shrieks the Scotsman. Realising that there must simply be a cat in the second sack, they leave it alone and start tugging the third sack. 'POTATOES!' Shouts the Irishman.
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. "That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
After 30 years of marriage, jim the plumber has left his wife florence. The note on the table simply read "Its over flo"
My wife is going to kick me out because she says I am a compulsive liar. Personally I think its because she has found out about me and Beyonce
Elevator FunMake race car noises when anyone gets on or off. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!" Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. Sell Girl Scout cookies. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. Shave. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. One word: Flatulence! Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" Give religious tracts to each passenger. Meow occasionally. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!" Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!" Leave a box between the doors. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. Start a sing-along. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?" Play the harmonica. Shadow box. Say "Ding!" at each floor. Lean against the button panel. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space." Bring a chair along. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" Blow spit bubbles. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!
