My girlfriend broke a mirror yesterday. . . . . "That's forty-nine years bad luck," I told her . . . . "Don't you mean seven?" she asked. "No. That mirror belonged to my dog." The Mrs came down from having a bath last night, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?". I said, "Yeah, the plug holes blocked".
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thaught it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket! The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!" The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii." The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen." The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want to understand women." The genie said, " Would you like two lanes or four?"
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.... I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA service vehicle parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.' On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?
Another Emo Phillips one.... So i'm sat on a park bench and i have an asthma attack......these 2 asthmatics jumped me...
Jealous Husband A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans And caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying: 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?' GOD replies 'We are over our quota on Pikeys. Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again. 'They've gone', he tells GOD. 'What?' says GOD, 'All 40 of them?' 'No, the Pearly Gates'.
Old lady biker A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club . The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly,whiskey when I'm shooting pool.. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool" The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'. 'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: ' So, Murphy, how was your day?' Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..' 'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor. 'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy. 'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor. 'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'' 'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor. 'I put drops in her eyes.'
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 pints of beer within a one (1) hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, Yes, 100% of all these men: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight. 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally, and 8.) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary!
Macca is going to be well peed off when he realises his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his old one >
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. "What are your plans?" he asked Joseph. "I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied. "Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?" "I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained. "And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?" "I will study hard, and God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."
The Horse An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Meaning of... 'potentially' and 'realistically' A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future politician."
I woke up at the crack of dawn - I said dawn get off my face I heard a rustle in the bushes - I said get out russell
A man walks into a pub with a monkey on his shoulder, orders a drink and sits down. The monkey springs off his shoulder runs down the bar to the peanuts bowl, swallows one whole, then springs to the pool table and swallows the cue ball whole. The barman cries out to the man, " Oh My God, did you see what your monkey just did?" "What, What?" says the man. The barman says, " Your monkey just swallowed the cue ball whole" "Well, I'm not suprised, he eats everything in sight... I'll pay for it and we'll leave" Two week later the man and his monkey return, the man orders his drink and the monkey jumps off, runs to the cherry bowl, grabs one shoves it up his bum then pulls it out and swallows it whole. Once again the barman cries out, "Oh my God, Did you see what your monkey just did?" "What, What did he do this time?" The barman replies, "He just shoved a cherry up his bum, then swallowed it whole... that was disgusting!!" The man say's "Well, I'm not suprised, he still eats everything in sight, but every since that cue ball he checks everything first"
Confucius Say Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be *******ed off than *******ed on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
