Dung beetle walks into a gay bar and says “can I push your stool in?” (That may be a bit too much, soz)
Ive got the memory of an elephant. I remember this one time, I went to the zoo and saw an elephant. The young couple next door have recently made a sex tape. I mean, obviously they don’t know about it yet. I put on a bit of weight recently and got a bit worried, so I called weight watchers and said “can you send somebody round?”. They said “absolutely, we’ve got plenty of them” As a child, I was made to walk the plank. Couldn’t afford a dog. Old lady names are back in vogue now, like Lilly, Rose and Elsie. We wanted something like that for our little girl but couldn’t decide so we just called her Nan. My girlfriends dog died, so to try and cheer her up, I got her an identical one. She was livid! “What am I going to do with 2 dead dogs?” I accidentally filled my escort up with diesel. She died. When I heard you could donate sperm by post, I came in a jiffy. Someone told me you can get paid for sperm donation. I just shudder thinking about all the money that I’ve let slip through my fingers over the years.
Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest a swap. I'll ***** her and you waft the towel. Paddy agrees and within seconds Paddy's wife is screaming in pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Paddy turns to his friend slowly and say's "and that my friend is how you waft a *****ing towel!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen. "Your Queenship, “he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?” “Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here." The Prime Minister walked into the room. “You called for me, Your Majesty?" "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa." the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me." "Yes! Very good,” said the Queen. Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted into the Oval Office. “Mike, answer this for me," said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?” "I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one. Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer. The next night, as it happened, Pence ran into Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise. “Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me. “Sure, Mike," Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?” “Thanks," said Pence. "It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, “Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.” Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!" AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE
Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas : There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.
