DUBious's Daily Delectables (Jokes)

"Public Mobile Phone Solution"



After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed London Bridge for Brighton.


As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart it's Eric, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting - no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" etc., etc.


Fifteen minutes later at Croydon he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:

"Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!"

My guess would be that Eric doesn't use his mobile phone in public any longer.

 

i've deleted some I was going to post, hope these are ok ;-)

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new tazer

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Doreen has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

 

K+

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When the Head Nurse went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,

but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Happy Mental Health Day!

 

A cowboy walks into a Saloon after he rode 150 miles on his horse in one day. He had a drink about two weeks ago, but he had himself a lady about two months ago.

He enters the saloon sits down and orders a whiskey. He sees that he is the only one in the bar except for the bartender. "Sorry, barkeep, tell me, you got any gals around here?", the cowboy asks "No sir, 'Round here is only you, me, and 'Ol George, there atta back," the barkeep replies as he shows in the direction of the toilet with his head.

"No," shouts the cowboy, "I ain't that kindda guy."

So the cowboy just sits and orders another whiskey. After he had about half a bottle he asks the barkeep the same question as earlier. He gets the same answer:

"No sir, Round here is only you, me, and 'Ol George, there atta back. Again the cowboy says, "No way I ain't that kindda guy." So he just drinks and drinks.

The more he drinks the hornier he gets. After he had about two bottles of whiskey he askes the barkeep the same question and gets the same answer. But he is so horny by now that he decides 'Ol George there atta back will have to do, but he doesn't want anybody to know that he did 'Ol George there atta back.

So he asks the barkeep: "If I do 'Ol George there atta back, who's gonna know about it?" The barkeep answers: "Well, sir It will be me, you, 'Ol George there atta back, and the four guys holding him down, 'cause he ain't that kindda guy either!"

 

The American nation pays their salaries!!


*A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in
so much trouble!* *

1.*I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) *

2. *I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town*. I started to explain the length
of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me
with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts ..'' *

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..'' *

3.* A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando
. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's
not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very
THIN state!!'' (OMG) *

4.* I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG,
again!) *

5.* An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed
he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted
to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will
need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) *

6.* An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that. *

7.* A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage
belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca.
is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a
destination tag on his luggage.. *

8.* A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would
it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?'' *

9.* I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' *

10* Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola
, Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She
said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' *

11* Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!'' *

12* A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

 

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

 

Harriet Harman is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.
Harriet in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:
"You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Harriet
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with
a big grin on his face.
'"My God, what happened to you? " asks Harriet.
The chauffeur replies: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
to me."
"What on earth did you tell them?", asks Harriet
"I'm Harriet Harman's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow!"

 

Subject: The British Way


A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration and rasped ... "They won't let me in without a tie!” ;D