DUBious's Daily Delectables (Jokes)

Elton John was changing his sons nappy and turned to his husband and said "He reminds me so much of you David"
David says "Why is it his cheeky little smile?"
"No" says elton
"Is it his cute little nose"
"No its not that" says Elton
"Then it must be the colour of his eyes"
"No" says Elton " His dicks covered in Marmite"




Lost the pub quiz by one point. Question was where do most women have curly hair? Apparently the answer is Africa.




Found a DVD the other day entitled "Bald and Barely Legal". Chuffed to bits I rushed home, put the disc in and sat there with my cock in my hand ready to knock one out...........






...................turns out it was a ministry of transport film on tyre tread depths.

 

Baldrick: "What I want to know sir is, before there was a Euro there
were lots of different types of money that different people used.
And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use.
And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs
to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980's there were many different
countries all running their own finances and using different types of money.
On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and
Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy
and Portugal.
They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy.
This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it sir".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight
flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bolllox".

 

The Kama Sutra has announced a new sex position called The Plumber

You stay in all day and nobody comes!

 

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed t o beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

------------


It is impossible to lick your elbow.

------------


The cost of raising a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00

------------

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

------------


Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------


In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.


------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow!

 

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman.

2 French men and 1 French woman.

2 German men and 1 German woman.

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman.

2 English men and 1 English woman.

2 Dutch men and 1 Dutch woman.

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman.

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman.

2 American men and 1 American woman.

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Dutch men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Dutch woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up:
A pharmacy,
A liquor store,
A restaurant,
A laundry,
And have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply future employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about:
Her body;
The true nature of feminism;
How she can do everything they can do;
The necessity of fulfillment;
The equal division of household chores;
How sand and palm trees make her look fat;
How her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
How her relationship with her mother is improving and
How at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But, they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a one pound coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F##k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

 

Jennifer, a manager at a local Lidl store, had the task of hiring
someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes
she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to
call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would
determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table,
Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head.
There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked
the second man.

'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that
it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular
cliché for speed.'

She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the
wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across
the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.
'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had
found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same
question.

Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'

'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so
good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already Marmite myself..'

Wally is now working at a Lidl near you!
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice' he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh yes' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?' I was walking in through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
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Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, "'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible!
At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and onto ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" enquired his mate.

"I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform just five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp another zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

"I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp another zis rickety platform un'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burm!'"
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

"Well a leetle, at ze beginning. !
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In 2012 Ford and Renault are working on a new small car for women, which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus, calling it the "Clitaurus."

As the average car thief is male, they won't be able to find it, let alone operate the damn thing.
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BRAINS OF BRITAIN (these are real)


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant:Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.




BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:Leicester




BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:I don't know.
Stewart White:I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:Arm
Stewart White:Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:Strong.
Stewart White:Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:Louis
Stewart White:Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestantaris.



THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant:The Conservative Party.



BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?



UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:Goosey?



GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)
Phil:What's 11 squared?
Contestant:I don't know.
Phil:I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:Is it five?



RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant:Forrest Gump.



RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Richard:He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er .. ......
Richard:He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant:Kipling Street?



LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:Barcelona.
Presenter:I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ..




NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:The Pacific.




ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant:Who Framed Roger Rabbit?




THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?




JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:Japan.
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:Er ........ Mexico ?




PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause):Fourteen days.




DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:No.




PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood:Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
ContestantSilence)
Phil Wood:OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:Walked?




THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:Nostalgia.





STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant:Jesus.
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Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European
leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC
controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling
through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young
and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy
has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is
extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have
tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she
slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the
Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she
slapped me... the English Illegitimate child.

And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack
that little French Marmite again.
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An American tourist in London decides to explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public conveniences.

However, he really has to go, after all those pints. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public convenience."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy!"
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Cheers Dubious, how the devil are you...

 

I was driving down the motorway when the wife suddenly piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
I replied, "Why's that then"?.
She then said, "Well those kids have just wrote, "tuo stit ruoy teg" on the window.

 

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

 

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'!



For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for 2011

*SEVENTH PLACE*
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store.

The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming Undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.

Double hand scratching after this one..

*FOURTH PLACE*
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.

Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania - A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.

The reason the soft drink was on the floor? Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. Whatever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her 12,000.... oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set.

The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

 

I've got a great business idea, I'm going to open a VD clinic...from scratch

My uncle has just set a world record for the most pigeons sitting on him at one time...what a ledge!

Just seen a documentary about how they build ships...riveting!

Anyone need an ark? I noah guy...

I don't like South African pancakes...they taste like crepe.

 

Jim and Edna are mental patients.
One day Jim jumps into pool and stays on the bottom,Edna dives in and saves him.
The next day the director calls Edna into his office and says Edna, I've got some good news and some bad news, the good news is that we're releasing you, as you are obviously sane saving another persons life, but the bad news is, unfortunately Jim hanged himself in the bathroom last night.
Edna replies, No thats where I put him to dry.

 

My mate sent a couple of pictures of his wife to channel 4 to enter her into a new tv show, they sent them back saying the show was actually called "Fact Hunt"

It has been discovered that the reason 2 women can not play monopoly is due to the fact that there is only 1 iron

 

WHY MARRY?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished ...
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to
forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVOURITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able
to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a
piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

 

Sex on Mars -
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Space Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'She kept slapping me on my head and pulling my ears.'