DUBious's Daily Delectables (Jokes)

Bad news, the rioting has spread to Ireland.

Poor Paddy has just smashed his laptop screen after trying to loot ebay.
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When I saw all the rioting going on in Tottenham high street I found a safe place to hide where I knew they wouldn't go.

The job centre
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I said to my two-year-old son, "Now, what noise does a cat make?"

"Miaow!"

"Good, but do you know what noise a dog makes?"

"Woof woof!"

"That's right! Now tell me what noise a cow makes?"

"Darren, if you even think about going out to that bloody pub with your friends then you can forget about ever being let back in this house!"

That's my boy.
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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
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After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at this lad, "Are these yours?!"

He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."

"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then smiled at him on his crutches .

I so wish I could have posted a lot of the others I was sent today

 

So, Maddie's parents are 'confident the child spotted in India isn't Maddie'.

I suppose, if you buried her yourself you'd be pretty confident.
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Similar to Willy Wonka putting 5 golden tickets into bars of chocolate, Walkers have started a new competition where they have placed 5 crisps into their bags of air.
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After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."
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I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."

He said, "The station?"

I said, "Well, I'm a bit late for the battle dont ya think."

 

An eskimo breaks down on his snow mobile so calls out the AA

The AA guy turns up and says "looks like you've blown a seal"

Eskimo says "I'll have you know thats frost on my moustache!"

 

A true love story, sure to make men cry...........

Once upon a time, a naval aviator asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?

The Princess said NO.

....and the Pilot lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles, made many cruises, got good promotions and duty stations and screwed skinny big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to titty bars and dated women half his age and drank Whiskey, Beer, Tequila, Rum , did shooters and Flaming Hookers and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and chased cheerleaders, almost movie stars, barmaids and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work or on a cruise and all his friends and family thought he was friggin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end
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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen." Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
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Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some joker’s sent me a magnifying glass!
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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid... then I was petrified.
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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says yes I have and I've been table ended and back scuttled a few times too.
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Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
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A wife says to her husband “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”
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I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature. She said “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said “You're obviously not listening.”
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Under new E.U. Law the word "Gippo" is no longer politically correct. They have to be called Caravan Using Nomadic Travellers.
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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back
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I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from A&E at Basildon Hospital . Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.
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They sent my Census Form back !! In answer to the question, 'Do you have any dependants?', I put 'Asylum Seekers, Gypos, smackheads, unemployable gits, the cast of The Jeremy Kyle Show, Northern Rock, RBS, Ireland, Portugal and half of fu##ing Eastern Europe.......
Apparantly this wasn't an acceptable answer.
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A drunk staggers into a catholic church and enters a confessional booth, he sits down but says nothing...........t he priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the druk continues to sit there.
Finally the priest pounds his hand 3 times on the wall
The drunk mumbles, "look pal, aint no use knocking on the wall, there's no bog paper this side either"
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A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.

The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" Asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.

The foreman gives her a jolly good rogering; after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8am sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6.30am

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts out 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort). He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand"
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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....... The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"
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What really happened when Elton John and David Furnish decided to have a baby.

They had their sperm mixed together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born Elton and David were waiting at the hospital. They were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of whom were crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby was smiling serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David.. "All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy.

This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now,

but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his ar**!"
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says: 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.
Paddy replies: 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'.
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face.

'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm f^&kin' f%^ked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f%^kin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says 'F%^k it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f%^kin' weed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'
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A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
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[table][tr][td][table][tr][td]I'm hosting an African-themed party tonight.

There's no food and the drinks are twelve miles away...
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[/td][/tr][/table][/size]My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist.

I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the bugger out.

Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue.[/td][/tr][/table]

 

Patrick's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into adeep coma.After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees thatshe is no longer pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins ... a boy and a girl.The babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth,and had to be christened immediately so your brother Patrick came in andnamed them.The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother, he's a clueless idiot ...Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter'sname?'Denise' says the doctor.The new mother is somewhat relieved,'Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother',she thought ...'I really like Denise 'Then she asks with great trepidation and shortness of breathe in acolleen's whisper,'What's the boy's name?'The doctor replies in the merest sheen of a whisper but his diction wassuperb.................' Denephew '





( De Nephew = The Nephew)

 

Some good uns there. Nice one DUBious

 

how do ye spot the irish man on the nudist beach














he s the one walking the gery hounds

 

why did god invent greyhounds











to keep irish men fitt

 

[table][tr][td][table][tr][td]My dad got in trouble with the police the other day. He was driving along when he went past a parked police car that was checking people's speed. Everything was fine and he was well within the speed limit, but then he decided to flash the people in the cars coming the other way...
Shouldn't have got his knob out, really.[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]

 

Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood & Jason Stathom were sitting around a camp fire discussing who was the toughest. Eastwood says, "I killed a bear with my bare hands". Stathom says, "I wrestled 2 adult croc's, gouged their eyes out & killed them both". Chuck Norris just sat there said nothing & continued poking the fire with his knob.
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[/size][table][tr][td][table][tr][td]Josef Fritzl is looking to cash in on the recent riots.

He's releasing a book titled "How to keep your kids off the streets"[/td][/tr][/table][/td][/tr][/table]

 

Sorry to anyone Irish in advance, its all in jest though and meant to make us smile, we all know its nothing personal I hope ;D


Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy..
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"
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Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe
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The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but behind that look she has a lovely personality."
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My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back..!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."
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The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil…

 

they have found out the reason for the increase of paedophiles in this country........too many sexy kids.

 

police are warning there could be a paedophile living next door to you....., i think i'm safe, i have 2 sexy 14 year old sisters for neighbours.......

 

i like my women like my a4 notepads
punched twice by the spine to keep them in line with the rest.

 

London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.

You may not know that many of the famous events, which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below: OPENING CEREMONY
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS
In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. Car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)

HAMMER
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.

FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style wages deliveryman. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will comprise of ic sans ms;">dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve."

THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be... Mincing


THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating.

 

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'

 

I didn't realise there was a dedicated joke thread. Well here goes:-


would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it: a couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some buddies and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven one before.

 

Breaking News: The UN has said that if they capture Gaddafi they will put him where he can do no harm to anyone - up front for Aston Villa.

Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for black orphans. I told him with my luck I'd probably win one.

Kate Middleton says to the Queen, "What's the secret to a successful marriage?" Queen replies "Wear a seatbelt and don't p@*s me off."

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a w@*k. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Taliban bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of #?!$!$*@. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.

Now Eddie Stobart's dead they've found out that he was HGV positive.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft t@*t.


Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some b@*&^$d's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!