DUBious's Daily Delectables (Jokes)

Why did the British wear red coats in battle?

During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that included the famous British "red coat."
Many people have asked, "Why did the British wear red coats in battle?"

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured a British Colonel.
They took him to their headquarters, and the French General began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French General asked, "Why do you British officers all wear red coats?
Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his casual, matter-of-fact, way, the officer informed the General that the reason British officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day forward, all French Army officers wear brown trousers.

 

Question: How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night. Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.

What do you do?


BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?



AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG!




AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'.... (Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)

 

How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies" he responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.....
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded.....
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

 

GRANDFATHERS ARE LIKE THAT
A woman in a supermarket is following a
grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that
he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle,
biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other
aisles.


Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a
controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another
outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a
couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."



At the
checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad
says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get
upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."





Very impressed,
the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the
boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business,
but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time,
you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just
calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as
his grandpa."












"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the
little Brat's name is Kevin."

 

"Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin , he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money. "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman.
"And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8.
We have the cheapest beer in Ireland "
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. - You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4.00 for your seat sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman.
"And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"

"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this?
I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this.
I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9am and 9.10am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"

"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

 

It was the famous actor Clint Eastwood’s birthday last week and to celebrate a few of his friends got together and organised a sky writer to put a message above the Hollywood sign.


I don’t think it worked out the way they wanted it to …


http://i1183.photobucket.com/albums/x462/dmnock/noname-2.jpg

 

Lol, you couldn't make it up.

 

After summer time ended I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

 

The one that really made me laugh is the one you told about the erection and the Thai girl on the train.

 

Oxymoron's

A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC
advanced beginner
Affirmative action
affordable housing
aging yuppie
agree to disagree
Airline Food
airline schedules
all alone
All natural artificial flavor
alltogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost candid
Almost done
almost exactly
almost pregnant
Almost Ready
almost safe
almost suddenly
almost surprised
almost totally
alone together
amateur expert
American culture
American education
American English
amicable divorce
among the first
Amtrak schedule
Anarchy Rules!
anonymous colleague

 

Done my chores for the day, just filled the dishwasher up........or 'made love' as she likes to call it!


I was sat on the edge of the bed last night, pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me "Please dont do that to the dogs".


We went out for a meal last night and while the wife was in the toilet the waiter asked "and what will the lovely lady be having?"
"i dont know", i replied, "probably a Marmite".


100 Londoners were asked "are there too many immigrants in Britain?"...........17% said yeas, 11% said no, 72% said "i am not understanding question please"

 

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"

 

:laugh2:

 

Why are pirates called pirates?

cause they aarrrhh :laugh2:

 

Kama Sutra position No. 73 - The Pirate

When going at it doggy style, spit on her back so she thinks youve ejaculated. When she turns round, blast her in the face. Known as the pirate because she'll put a hand over her eye and shout " Aarrgghh"

 

:laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2: :laugh2:

 

i bumped into long john silver and he said aghhh ooo aghhhhh..
i said pardon..
aghhh oooo agghhh me laddie where are your bucaneers...

i repleid on my buccan head. seemed a nice jolly sort of chap,