Just for @snotty a tad more up to date. A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's David Cameron's clock?" asked the man. "It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
I had a good job in the helium factory but I left as I couldn't put up with being spoken to like that.
Al Qaeda on Strike Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement and ACAS will try to find a solution. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a shortage of virgins in the afterlife. The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is worse than having to take a bath". Speaking from his tin shed in Bradford in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda assistant chief executive Osama bin Liner explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing virgins and laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that it's not worth blowing themselves up." Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway". Apparently a drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she'd stood him up.
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough.
Why's the queen got so many children? Cos she's got ER written on her knickers (Say it in a northern accent)
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."
A man climbs the diving board with a large fish under his arm. The olympic official says to him and what are you gonna do with that fish? He replied triple somersault with pike.
Police are hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 6 people. They believe he could be following some kind of pattern.
I once got ill and had to sell all my percussion instruments to pay for treatment. Luckily I made a maraca-less recovery.
