I parked the bus under a tree yesterday, found a snake on the front of it this morning! After a quick google I've identified it as a windscreen viper! ( sorry about that. I think I'm done now, I'll shut the door).
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine"
I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass wind.The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts to the beat of the music. After just a few songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... That was when I remembered I was listening to my iPod
I can't be bothered looking so here goes. A man walks into the doctors with a frog growing out of his head. The doctor looks at it and asks, "When did this first happen?" "Well, it started off as a boil on my arse!" said the frog.
So the wife asked me, how many women have you slept with. I replied, just you my dear. With all the others I stayed awake. Visiting time is 10am to 8pm
Doctor, can you do anything about this steering wheel that's sticking out of my pants? It's driving me nuts!
A man went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said "What's the problem?" The man said, "It's our kid, he thinks he's an orang e." The Psychiatrist said, "Well get him down here." The man said, "I've got him here, he's in my pocket!" A fella went into the cobblers with a pair of boots. he said, "I want them soled." He went back the next day, the cobbler gave him a quid and said "I sold them." A man went in to a photographers. He gave the photographer a picture of his Dad. he said, "I want this picture of my Dad reducing but I want you to remove the bowler hat". "Certaily Sir, I think we can do that." As the man was leaving the shop the photographer asked, "By the way Sir, which way did your Father part his hair?" "Well you'll know that when you take the bowler hat off!" said the man. A Welsh man once told me, Where I come from they don't bury the dead like they do in the big towns, dig a big hole and fill it in later. They take them to the top of a mountain, well this hearse was going up the mountain and the back door burst open and out slid the coffin. Down the side of the mountin it slid, into the village high street, through a Chemists doorway, it banged up against the counter. Out popped the corpse and he said to the chemist "Have you got anything to stop this coughin'?"
I asked my boss, "What do you want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?" He replied, "Just pop it in the corner." 4 f**king hours it took me!
Paddy was at the timber yard and accidentally shears off all of his fingers. He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I"ll see what I can do." Paddy replies, "I haven"t got the fingers." The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? We could have done microsurgery, I could have sewn them back on. Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?" Paddy replies, "I couldn"t f**king pick them up!"
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Bazza ?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you fat cow"
