Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Rabbit goes into a bar


    Ordered a pint and a cheese and onion toastie,

    Next day goes in and ordered the same,

    Next day he is really hungry so ordered a cheese and onion and a cheese and tomato toastie,

    Next day never showed, the day after never showed,

    A week passed still didn’t show,

    Finally he showed up a few days later,

    The barman said where have you been?

    The Rabbit replied well I haven’t been well,

    What was the matter said the barman?

    Well said the rabbit , I’m pretty sure it was mixing me toasties:D
     
    nicktuft, snotty, Merlin Cat and 3 others like this.
  2. This bleedin’ survey thing that’s going round to every house, it takes forever! John Denver, if only you were here, you’d fill out my census...
     
    snotty, Norris, Merlin Cat and 5 others like this.
  3. "ohh, so you just dig through the soil consuming nutrients from the decaying organic matter? - that actually makes a lot of sense..." - the early bird gets the worm
     
    Uncle Nick, Jack Tatty and Norris like this.
  4. upload_2021-3-25_13-18-58.jpeg
     
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  5. My wife and I went to the Lincolnshire county farm show and one of the first

    exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

    We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 100 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 100 times last year, that's almost twice a week.'

    We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

    'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

    My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said,

    'That's three times a week. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

    I looked at her and said,

    'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow each time.'

    I don't remember much about what happened next.

    My condition has been upgraded from critical

    to stable, but I should eventually make a full recovery.
     
  6. I remember the time I went to see The Cure but Placebo turned up instead. Most people didn’t even notice.
     
    Uncle Nick, Lila, cunny44 and 9 others like this.
  7. Topical!
     
  8. I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
    I sat down and had a cold beer.
    The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
    and I said, "Nothing."
    The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
    At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
    Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
    But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
    I rest my case.
    Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.
     
  9. So, Quasimodo decided to apply for the position of Chief bell ringer at the city Cathedral. After a long exhausting interview with the Cannon in Charge, Quasi was taken up into the Belfry to have a practical test. The Canon said that any successful candidate had to be able to ring the large central bell by hand and as yet nobody has succeeded. Quasi stripped down to his vest and hunches over the huge bell and drives forward like a bellowing bull. The Cannon's eyes widen as the clapper misses the bell by inches. He urges Quasi to try again and Quasi try’s again and again and again and each time the clapper misses by small fractions.

    The Cannon swept up in the sweat and excitement exhorts Quasi for one last effort, Quasi steps back and charges the bell in a rage and headbutts the bell, Ding, Dong, Ding, Dong the Cannon faints, Quasi staggers back blood pouring from his face and falls out of the Belfry smashing onto the paving below, the Police were quick to react and asked the spectators if anybody knows the man, Dave standing by said, not sure of his name but his face rings a bell...
     
  10. One day Prince Charles paid a royal visit to Barnsley.

    Upon arriving at the station he was met by some of the local dignitaries including the Mayor. After exchanging a few pleasantries the Mayor just couldn’t help himself and had to ask Prince Charles about the rather unusual hat he was wearing, which seemed to consist of a pile of fur and a fox’s head.

    Prince Charles replied “Yes, it’s pretty splendid, isn’t it? Mummy suggested I wear it today.”

    The Mayor was flabbergasted! “Her Majesty suggested it?”

    “Yes,” said the prince “when I said I was going to Barnsley she said “Wear the fox hat.””
     
  11. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

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  12. An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
    Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
    "Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
    "What's this?" the boss asks?
    "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.
    "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
    The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
    The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
    "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
    The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
    The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
    The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
    "So, when I start?"
     
  13. A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.”
    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch.”
    The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”
    "Yes I have," says the man.
    "And has she helped you make a decision?”
    "Yes," says the man.
    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
    "We're getting granite work tops for the kitchen."
     
    scrooge95, Suss, Merlin Cat and 11 others like this.
  14. Bang on :lol:
     
  15. An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
    of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
    scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
    it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that
    you just served?"
    The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls
    testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
    The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on
    vacation! Bring me an order!"
    The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per
    day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
    tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
    The next day, the American returned, placed his order, and then that
    evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
    to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much
    smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins!"
     
  16. There’s a video doing the rounds of a couple of Ozzy radio DJ’s reading out listeners funny nicknames, blooming brilliant!!

    - Drill Bit - because he’s a small boring tool.
    - blokes got one leg shorter than the other so bobs up and down - Snipers Nightmare
    - guy with one big hand and one small one - The Clock
    - Uncle Ben - bloke had a cyst removed from his testies, a boil in the bag.
    - Keth- his real name’s Keith but he’s missing an eye.
     
    cunny44, Pudelwagen, F_Pantos and 2 others like this.
  17. Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.



    Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
     
  18. Wife asks "What can we do instead of watching the football on telly?"

    I says "How about sex?"

    She says "Nice idea but you do realize that the football goes on for more than two minutes!"
     
    cunny44 likes this.
  19. A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat down next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!” “What a coincidence,” the farmer says, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me too, I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence” says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence…I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” said the farmer. “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I used a different cock,” he replied.
    The woman smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!”
     
    Pudelwagen, Meltman, F_Pantos and 4 others like this.
  20. A girl says to her Mom...

    "Mom, I want a Barbie and a GI Joe for my birthday, please?".

    Mom says.

    "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

    And the girl replies.

    "No, Mom, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."
     
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