Before or after the meat raffle? And is Baz doing his “exotic dancing “ routine again? Fair put me off my chicken in a basket last time
How can you tell that a blonde has been using the word processor? There's Tippex all over the screen! (Apologies to all blondes - someone will come along explain it!)
A woman complains to her husband "You never notice me any more!" "Of course I do" The husband replied "Okay, what's different about me?" "You've had your hair done" "No" "Okay, you've got a new pair of shoes" "No!" "You've lost weight?" "No" "Okay, I give up, what is different about you?" "I'm wearing a bloody gasmask!"
Little Bruce and Willa are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married so Bruce goes to Willa's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr Smith, me and Willa are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Willa’s room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Mr Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Willa." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Willa makes five bucks a weekand I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine." Mr Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
A Bishop a priest and a rabbit go to give blood When the rabbit was asked what blood group by the nurse The rabbit replied I’m a type o
My mum who is 82 years old had her 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which she began to have blurred vision on the way home. When we got home, I called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if she should go to see a doctor, or be hospitalised. She was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately as she had left her glasses behind.
My wife took her glasses off to put her mask on before we went to the vaccination centre but forgot to put them on again. She had driven half way home before she realised!
