Joke

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. I was sat on the bus this morning when i noticed the beautiful young woman sitting next to me was reading a book titled
    ''Strange but true sexual facts''.
    "Interesting?'' i asks.
    ''Yes'' she replies, ''For instance, did you know that the American Red Indian has the longest penis in the world and an Irishman has the thickest?
    Oh, I'm sorry" she continued, my name's Helen & yours?" ...
    ''Tonto O'Riley "
     
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  2. FB_IMG_1580364693433.jpg
     
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  3. FB_IMG_1580368864482.jpg
     
  4. Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
    They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
    Ees bacon, I theenk."
    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon.
    Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.
    Ees a bacon tree."
    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
    We ees in the desert don't forget."
    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
    Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
    He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
    Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe, Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
    "Luis, Luis MI amigo, What ees it? "
    Pepe, Ees not a bacon tree. Ees, Ees, Ees, Ees, Ees, a ham bush!"
     
  5. Dubs

    Dubs Sponsor

    Coat!
     
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  6. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    COAT !!
     
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  7. Double Coat!
     
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  8. Coat, hat, shoes, scarf, gloves.:cool:
     
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  9. I will be toasty :)
     
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  10. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    Have you heard the news that Northerners are putting Ecstasy in chewing gum?

    They're calling it E-By-Gum.
     
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  11. Aw mooch:p
     
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  12. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    83687612_2626508494300779_8539965147182006272_n.jpg
     
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  13. wife.jpg
     
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  14. Iv'e got a few racing Geese for sale.

    Let me know if you want a quick Gander

    :)
     
  15. Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.
    During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.
    That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
    Her ever-obedient The Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.
    "Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder."
    Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
    "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.
    Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"
    In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"
    Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"
    At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,
    "That's my boy! He served in the Navy.
    Once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!...
     
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  16. I am not sure if you all know but i really like history especially the Egyptian period from the early days of king Djoser, Ramesses the great (or his correct name was Ramesses II) right through from Akhenaten, Tutankhamun then to Cleopatra the last of the pharaohs.

    Then i was reading about the time of Mary and Joseph and the birth of Jesus and one of the facts that amazed me the most was that they knew he was 7lb 8oz at birth.

    I did some further research to find out how Mary and Joseph would have known he was 7lb 8oz at birth and apparently it is because they had a weigh in a manger.
     
    Uncle Nick, Kkkaty, Louey and 5 others like this.
  17. I think that’s your taxi waiting outside..


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  18. Actually from the Beano Annual joke section 1953
     
  19. More likely a donkey

    Sent from my BND-L21 using Tapatalk
     
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  20. Get. Your. Coat.
     

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