Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.
Accidentally swallowed the cats tablets. Don’t ask me-ow
Proper Yorky, made me laugh
A 78yr old man goes into his doctors and says he would like a sperm count.
‘What?’ Exclaims the doc, ‘you’re 78 years old man, what do you want a sperm count at your age for?’
‘Hey’, says the man,’I’ve paid all my dues and I’m still sexually active and I want to know!’
‘Oh, ok,’ says the doc and hands the old man a small screw top jar. ‘Just put some you-know-what in this jar when next you......and bring it back in to me.’
The old man leaves with a thank you.
A few days later the old man is back and gives the doc the jar.
‘It’s empty!’ Exclaims the doc.
‘Yes I know,’ says the old man, ‘I tried with my right hand and my left hand, I had the wife try with both her hands, in desperation I got her to put it in her mouth with her teeth in and out and I tell you doc,
there’s no way we can get the lid off that jar!!’
Irish animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night, they escaped with 5,000 Turkeys. A spokesman for the gang said, "We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted!"
Thank you, you've been a wonderful audience.
Poor Joe...when Joe reaches the age of 18 he starts getting a massive headache. After taking the usual painkillers a trip to the docs still does not cure his ailment. Days, weeks, months and even years go by with numerous trips to the docs and A & E with no positive results. Every day is a day in pain with a massive headache. He has to drop out of Uni, can’t hold a job down and his love life has suffered with his girlfriend leaving him. Nothing he tries can relieve his pain. Life is unbearable and Joe is contemplating the final act of killing himself. He can’t go on. Then, the doc contacts him and tells Joe he has made an appointment for him to see a renowned American specialist. Holding out little hope Joe agrees to see the specialist.
Joe is asked to strip off and after examination the specialist tells Joe that he has only come across 5 people in the world that has this particular problem.
‘What is it?’ asks Joe and, ‘Can I be cured?’
‘Your problem is anatomical’ the specialist explains. ‘Your testicles are being pressed against the base of your spine which sends impulses up your spine to your head which results in your bad headache!’
‘So what’s to be done?’ asks Joe
‘Well I’m afraid I will have to cut them off!’ Says the specialist.
‘Are you sure it will cure my headache’ asks Joe. ‘100 per cent positive’, assures the specialist.
Joe can’t go on living like this in such pain so agrees to have the operation.
It’s a fairly simple operation and as soon as Joe comes out of the anaesthetic, for the first time in his adult life he has no headache. After a few days recuperation he leaves the hospital and walks into town with a spring in his step, a smile on his face and the world could not be better. After all these years .....no headache! Wonderful.
Then Joe spots a tailors. Great, ‘ I’m going to have a new life from now on and I’m going to have new clothes to celebrate my new existence free from pain’
Into the tailors he goes to be greeted by an old tailor. ‘I want a complete new outfit’ says Joe.
‘Certainly’ says the tailor, ‘shall we start with a suit? Jacket, let me see, 44inch chest, 29 inch arm?’
‘Yes’ says Joe, ‘how do you know that?’
‘It’s my job sir, I’ve been doing this for years, I can tell just by looking’
The jacket fits a treat. ‘Now the trouser, sir, 32 inch waist 31 inch leg’. ‘Yes says Joe,’how how do you know that?
‘It’s my job sir, ‘I’ve been doing this for years, ‘I can tell just by looking’
The trouser fits a treat, ‘now the socks and shoes? Size 8?’
‘Bloody ell you’re fantastic’, exclaims Joe
‘It’s my job, sir now how about a vest, go for size 42 inch, it will show off your muscular torso sir’
‘I’m amazed’ says Joe, ‘that’s what I’ve always worn’. ‘I keep telling you sir, it’s my job, I know just by looking’
‘Now the underpants sir, size 10 sir’
‘Ah got you’ says Joe, ‘all my life I’ve worn size 8’
‘No size 10’ says the tailor.
Sorry, you’re wrong’ says Joe, ‘I wear size 8’
‘No, no, no’ says the tailor, ‘size 10. If you wear size 8 they’ll press your balls against the base of your spine and give you an awful headache!’
Absolutely sick of folk complaining about the price of stuff this year. £1.00 for a cup of tea, £3.00 for a cup of coffee and £5.00 for parking.
If folk don’t stop whinging, I’m gonna stop inviting people round to my house...
Hey! At those prices, I'll definitely visit you if I ever come to Oz.
How much do you charge for beer?
We'll be going teetotal that week.
And that statement is the best joke on this entire thread.
Shut up Haynes!
I spose it was you
Did you hear about the frog who traced his family history to Warsaw ? He was a tad polish . @Terrordales I have plenty more .
Anybody want a quick gander
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