Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Barry Haynes, Apr 8, 2016.

  1. Went to Cheddar Gorge to look at the stalactites and the tour guide asked me not to crack one off.

    “that’s rich”, I thought, “she’s not even that good looking”.

    Still managed it.
    Uncle Nick, Coco, Lazy Andy and 2 others like this.
  2. I got thrown out of slimming world for making jokes about some of the other attendees.

    I accepted my punishment with huge grace. Because they kicked her out as well.
  3. Bored? Just go to your local weight watchers meeting and throw in some Maltesers. Hey presto - real life hungry hungry hippos.
  4. I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...
    and all just because of a stupid police officer...
    The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

    Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

    Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

    Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

    Me: "A car."

    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

    Me:"I have no idea!"

    Officer:"So, you're drunk."

    Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

    Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

    Me:"A motorcycle."

    Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

    Me:"I have no idea!"

    Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

    Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

    Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

    Officer:"A prostitute of course."

    Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

    Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
  5. Terrordales

    Terrordales Nightshift Admin

    jivedubbin, Uncle Nick, Coco and 2 others like this.
  6. A young Irish man called Paddy wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Donegal and he lived in Kerry . Paddy consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Marks and Spencer’s and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Paddy unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Paddy sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

    Dear Maggie
    I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
    When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
    Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
    I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
    All my love,
    P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
  7. joke.jpg
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  8. :thumbsup:

    Attached Files:

    Last edited: Nov 17, 2019
    Jack Tatty likes this.
  9. “What’s that in that field?”
    “Herd of cows”
    “It’s them”
    andyv, Coco, Barneyrubble and 7 others like this.
  10. My uncle hanged himself at a Mexican party

    things got messy very quickly after that
  11. joke1.jpg
  12. Bloody Amazon black Friday! I ordered four kindles and they've sent me a "best of two Ronnie's" DVD....
  13. Modern update to a classic.
    Brilliant! :)
    Merlin Cat and the2ems like this.
  14. Walking down the street, a Member of Parliament is hit by a lorry and dies. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter. He says, "

    'Welcome to heaven. Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem. We seldom see anyone in such a high office around here, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

    'Just let me in,' says the politician.

    'Well, I'd like to but I have instructions from above. You'll have to spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven, then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

    'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.

    'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' replies St Peter

    With that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he went down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

    Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

    Also present is the Devil, a very nice, friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They're having such a good time that before he realises, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave as the lift rises....

    The door opens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to show you around Heaven.'

    So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. They have a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

    The MP reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to Hell.

    When the doors open he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and refuse.

    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more garbage falls from above.

    The Devil comes over and puts his arm around his shoulder.

    'I don't understand,' stammers the MP, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? '

    The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ' Yesterday we were campaigning...

    Today you voted
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  15. Irish Divorce

    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

    "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

    "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
    "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.............

    She never got your email!"
    jivedubbin, Gingerbus, JT1 and 10 others like this.
  16. funny2.jpg
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  17. I said to my mate, "I just watched that film about the Nazis."
    He said, "Oh what, the one with Adolf in?"
    I said, "No mate, you're thinking of 'Flipper', this was just about the Nazis."
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  18. Took a while to get that one :cool:

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