Advice needed

If you can’t fix it. F%(k it,

 

Who said that

 

Two pieces of advice offered by my late grandmother:

1. Never believe a word the doctor tells you.
2. Ask any doctor, he's bound to know!

 

Only smoke 3 times. Before, during, and after.

 

Never look up when you hear somebody shout "below".

 

Always listen, everyone knows something you don’t.

 

Hmmm, what, sorry I wasn't listening

 

There are three kinds of men: the one that learns by reading; the few who learn by observation; the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

 

It's not the Russians you've got to worry about, It's the Chinese.

 

Never look a gift horse in the mouth

 

Talk and you will only ever know what you already know.
Listen and you may learn something new.

 

Don't go to sleep with and itchy bum and nose

 

Size doesn't matter, so I was told

 

Righty tighty, lefty loosy

 

Step away from the cake

 

Never milk a cow blindfolded if invited to by Jimmy Saville.

Never go to sleep with an itchy bum, unless you want to wake up with a smelly finger.

If you are the leader of a pack, any pack, remember to exercise caution of approaching a bend in the road.

 

Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade. Beware
Of entrance to a quarrel, but being in,
Bear't that the opposed may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment.
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
But not express'd in fancy; rich, not gaudy;
For the apparel oft proclaims the man,
And they in France of the best rank and station
Are of a most select and generous chief in that.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

... as the untrustworthy windbag in Hamlet says to his son...