This is probably the most moving and raw thread I've ever read on the late bay. I'd like to dish out loads and loads of karma.
Hmm, a few people have liked this, but it doesn't apply to everyone, it does imply your hated parent was doing their best and I know from chatting with the Rickster previously that his wasn't. With that in mind I regret quoting Ricky's post when I wrote it. I had my rose tinted glasses on. Sometimes all you can do with people, family or not, is look forward to dancing on their grave. You can't pick family.
You have and it will. The less you say the better - for starters, they just do not want to hear it! So if your ex is still bitching and you are trying to be understanding it'll all come out in the wash, as they say. I'm tempted to say play the long game, but it's not a game, so be yourself, you're a bit of an arse, but you could be worse.
My Dad was an alcoholic, serious, full weight alcoholic. He drank away 3 entire businesses and 3 properties, in today's money - North of a million quid. But it's not the money, it REALLY never is, it's the damage done around the man. Wives that struggle on, kids with all sorts of problems later in life, the legacy is decades of issues long after the man has passed and these issues may not be the same, may not be drink or drugs or a temper, you never know what action your mis-action could have on you and yours. You all know I like a drink but I tell you now I can and have stopped, when I've wanted to, and I'd never let it rule my life. Me and Mrs TBR look after each other like that and aren't afraid to tell each other. Other members of my family are still struggling and may never get over the legacy, mainly because they knew nothing else but I knew the man before the drink took over, the football referee, the father and son camps, the days out and the laughs. You all have influence over other people's lives, especially your children. Don't forget that as life moves on, the balance is difficult, the struggle is hard, as men we are not supposed to say these things but do you know what? We should! We should question our actions, do the right thing even if it pains us, sometimes the wrong thing may even be right. Your kids never asked to be brought into this world, never asked for you as their father, you should do right by them .FACT!
You must be thinking of someone else, I'm Perfect, I am. I could be a MOD! (but probably not while @hailfrank, @dog, @bernjb56, @Terrordales etc etc still have breath in their bodies!)
When I hit my teens I turned from a studious shy lad into a pita to my dad. I suddenly decided the bullies can have a bit of their own and dished it out big time. I stood up to everybody that had pushed me and bullied me. It included teachers, Dad, grandad, Kids in the street and the hard knocks in the rough area I had to walk through to get home every night. I was a right hardened little sod. I figured that no one could hurt me any more and get away with it and dished it out big time. I soon got a name as some idiot who shouldn't be messed with and all the bigger hard knocks came to knock me off my perch = What a knob. I gave up a so much study, I got so many whackings and into fights, the police were always at the door or locking me up or dragging me home. It was as if someone had flicked a switch in my head and reversed the polarity. My dad just kept talking me through it. He gave up drink and spent less time with his business just to get me through it as he knew it was some sort of phase. He has never ever told me I was pita even though I know I was. He does tell me he knew I would come through and pick up the threads. It took me a couple of years and a bit of life outlook change, but we did it together. I studied to degree level in my late teens. I have only once been unemployed when ill and have raised a lovely family with the help of a great wife. How could I ever not be there for my dad?
While I have plenty of unresolved family issues in my life, I learned to accept the things I am unable to change. Acceptance does bring peace. It is painful that I cant see my grandchildren as I used to, but there isnt anything I can do about it and grandparents do not have any legal rights of access. My son and his new partner see the kids regularly. My ex wife and her new husband get to see the kids. The kids are looked after by their mum and her partner. Their mum's mum and partner get to see the kids. I am special in that I am the kids only grandfather, but have no rights. These other partners are not blood relations but they get access. There is no fairness here. So, acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.
i had a hard time when i was young , well i thought i had , young no experience,a typical no all teen . things between me and me da ,was always an issue , but i blamed me ma , not realising that she was my go between , from getting battered to death . i got away from them as soon as i could , at 18 married 19 , 4 wains , . i could nt manage with the young children , i then realised i turned into him , i hadnt stayed in there house for years,then the 1 and only time i did he started , drunk , spitting fire at me , the more i walked away the worse he got , me ma in between us trying to keep the peace , he said one thing too much ,i let rip verbally, next thing bang he punched me , my head nearly come off , i shook it off ,laughted in his face bang 2nd one , then he hit me over the head with a stick , again i laughed at him and said no wee man anymore da , then i nearly killed him , i couldnt stop hitting him , and the more and harder i hit him the better i felt , i had my mother brother 2 sisters trying to get me off , him but i just wanted to hit him more , HOW SAD WAS I , then i let him go , and walked away , i got every thing threw at me verbally from him , but i was shocked how much my mother defended him and me to him , 4 hours later i heard him growling coming down the stairs , and me ma in front shouting no more , i thought this time , i give it ti him big time , he appeared at the door i bust out crying when i seen what i had done to him , he was like the elephant man one eye was completely closed his lips where massive blood every where ,bruises etc , it was then the ground could have OPENED , he said are you all right mucker , jesus am sorry i started all that , i blamed you for everything , i no now it wasnt your fault, your ma explained it all to me , it was the drink etc etc , you where hard work as a wain etc , it was then he said are we still going fishing the morning , i ll call ye for your breakfast , i was dumb founded i couldnt speak , he then limped away , then me ma came in , he then returned and i thought jesus not again , HE SAID, OH AH SEE THE MARRA WHEN WHERE OUT FISHING IF ANYONE ASKS TELL THEM I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS DRUNK , we went fishing and after for a few pints , all as i could do was stare at him and think i done that , have i really turned into him , from that day where are so close and the best of friends and he has stood by me through thick and thin , especially when i had my breakdown and relasp , and he was the one who inspired me to classic cars , cause of all the one he drove when i was a boy , he helps if and when he can , now disabled , but goes to the shows with me , and i love him ,
after reading yours mal it inspired me to tell it , we all have secrets , after the year i ve had , why not , and thank u
now that am older i have missed so much of my childrens lifes my first family , now older i enjoy my boys so so much ,tiny and stephen make my life worth living and my da loves them , if some one said anything to or about them he would kill them , i think that day we both grew up ,lol
We eventually got to the bottom of my problem. If I have the nerve I will write about it when I get home 8 hours to bottle it though.
This has been one of the best subjects we've discussed for a while,let's all have a group hug, but no tongues