Joke

Laughed my socks off

 

Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

An 70 year old bloke called Ross loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice sayagain,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said,'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said,'Yes, I'm talking to you.


' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said,'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, ***** it ….at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

With age comes wisdom.

 

Little lad was mad about tractors - he had toy tractors, tractor wall paper, tractor duvet set, the lot. As he got older he built up his collection more and more and more.

Then one day when he was in his teens he discovered girls and decided it would probably be best if all the tractor stuff went, and he never spoke of it again.

Anyway, he takes a girl to a pub, and because the joke is very old the pub was full of smoke. The girl says to him that she'll do anything he wants if he could just make it a bit less smokey.

So with one big breath, that was it, the smoke in the pub was gone, the air was suddenly clean as anything. The girl says that was amazing, lad says not really, I'm an ex-tractor fan.....

 

This appealed to my warped sense of humour.

 

Just sent this to our vet.
He made a rude reply.

 

I spent all week erecting a new fence in my garden.
My neighbour commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight so I unfriended him.
That's the last time he comments on my posts!!..

 

A bloke rushes into the lounge where his wife is laying on the sofa watching TV.
He excitedly shouts "I've won the lottery, get packing"
"Ooo what for, says his wife, beach or skiing?"
I don't care he says just Fxxx Off!!

 

How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge £1000 for it.

 

Excellent!

 

This for the male chauvinists - with apologies to all the women reading this -- @Merlin Cat

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary.


It means 75% are running around untreated.

 

Yesterday morning, I made a Belgian waffle.

Then in the afternoon I made an Italian talk utter nonsense.

 

Atheism - a non prophet organisation.

 

Saw a lass dancing on a table in a club the other night. Walked Over her way and said "wow, nice legs!"

She smiled and said "thanks very much"

"Not you love", I replied, "the table. Most would've buckled under the weight by now"

 

Anyone else think its strange how really sexy women drive cute little cars.?
Which reminds me, the M.O.T.'s due on the wife's Transit!