Did you know that dustmen don't receive any formal training for their job. They just pick it up as they go.
Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight" he said, "What the hell is that"? asked his wife, "You bend over hands on the floor, i pick your legs up and take you from behind" said Paddy, "I'll do it on two conditions" said his wife, "If it hurts you stop straight away...", "and we dont go past my mother's house".
Me and the missus have recently begun to experiment with Social Security sex. We get a little bit every month, but it's never as much as you really need.
Purchased a deodorant stick today. Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom" I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely!
Capital letters. The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse!
My wife made the allegation "I think you've had an affair with that Welsh tart, from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch". I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.
A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump. Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!" A shot rang out and Trump fell dead. As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse" 'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
IDIOT SIGHTING No.1 My daughter and I went to the McDonald's checkout to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note. Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece. She said, 'You gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.' She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change. Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!! IDIOT SIGHTING No2 We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford . IDIOT SIGHTING No3 I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign from our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.' Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire. IDIOT SIGHTING No 4 My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce. From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire. IDIOT SIGHTING No 5 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened at Luton Airport IDIOT SIGHTING No 6 The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde) IDIOT SIGHTING No7 When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire. STAY ALERT! They walk among us. AND THEY BREED!...
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.' 'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'. 'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed. 'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own *****ing blanket!' After a moment of silence, he farted.
