I went to the doctor and said Me “ Doctor I feel I’m a supermarket” Doctor” how long have you felt like this” Me “Since I was Lidl “
Wife:- I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate. Husband:- Why not just throw it in the rubbish bin? It's much easier. Wife:- But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes! Husband:- Honey, anyone that fit's into your clothing is not starving! Husband is now in hospital recovering from a head injury.
CHECK YOUR "E" MAIL!! Let me tell you friends that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life tough.I recently texted a short,romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip,and I missed one small "e."No problem you might say.Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life,and I wish you were her!”
Someone asked me yesterday what my ring tone was, apparently a kinda light brown was the wrong answer
My missus shouted at me “you’re not even listening to me, are you?!” Pretty strange way to start a conversation, isn’t it?
I ordered some VW stuff on t'internet but accidentally used my Donor Card instead of my credit card - Cost me an arm and a leg.
Been flirting with this really fit girl by text for a while. She text me last night saying “come round, no ones in ”. So I went round. No one was in.
A bloke goes to the doctor and says “Doctor my todger has turned orange” the doctor has a look and says “I’m puzzled, what was you doing just before you saw it” “I was eating cheesy wotsits and watching porn”
Horse walks into a bar and gets himself a pint. A donkey is sitting beside him and says "you're a big lad, did you ever win anything?". The horse turns round and says "yeah, I won the Derby on the flat and the Grand National on the jumps". The donkey, thinking how can I match that, that's impressive", goes to his phone and gets up a picture of a zebra. He shows it to the horse who responds "what is that?". The donkey replies "That's when I used to play for Juventus".
Don’t want to alarm anyone, but I think I might have magical powers! I just managed to melt an ice cube by doing nothing other than staring at it. Took ages, mind, but I didn’t touch it once! Amazing.
I have similar powers. We always carry a pack of extra strong mints in the car, and while driving to Birmingham a few months ago, I sent the wife a telepathic message to say “shall we have a mint”. After about 45 minutes of intense concentration, I managed to get my message through, and was rewarded with a mint. Amazing
