Breaking news: Police have discovered $100 billion dollars in a Nigerian flat after the elderly owner passed away recently.. Apparently, the poor guy spent the last 10 years trying to share it but no-one responded to his emails!
A bloke keeps getting into trouble from his wife for coming home drunk from the pub, his mate says next time he is drunk and is sick put a £20 in the inside pocket of his jacket then when the wife sees the sick he was to tell her that someone in the pub threw up on him and the £20 was for the dry cleaning bill, He gets home from the pub and he tells his wife what happened and she says " but there is £40 in the pocket" oh he says, the other £20 was from the other bloke who Marmite in my pants
I think one of the builders working in our house is a Jehovah's Witness. He's upstairs trying to convert the loft.
There's a programme on BBC 2 later tonight about erectile dysfunction. I don't think I'll be able to stay up for it though...
A group of Americans are sat in a Restaurant in Aberystwyth. One of them asked the waitress Excuse me ma'am Could you settle an argument for me Could you pronounce very slowly where we are right now ? The waitress replied Burr-gerrr-kiiing
When one door closes, another one opens. These blooming Ikea wardrobes are rubbish Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
My wife complained that my life revolved around Facebook, and it was destroying the way we communicate as a family. So I blocked her
Wife says to husband; "You only ever want sex when you're drunk" Husband says; "That’s not true.... Sometimes I want a kebab
My mate called me today in a distressed state He said his wife had left him taking his Prized Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish No woman No Sky
Some bloke in Cairo just pulled up next to me in a BMW beeped his horn and bared his naked backside out of the window. Bloody toot and car moon Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I was at my allotment yesterday and someone had put 2 inches of topsoil all over it. I went back again today and there was another 2 inches of topsoil all over it. The plot thickens.
A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "
One for the ladies Eve Has a Chat with God "Lord, I have a problem." "What's the problem, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals as well as that hilarious comedian of a snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that, Eve?" "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "A man? What is that, Lord?" "A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vain. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch, Lord?" "Well, you can have him on one condition." "And what's that, Lord? " "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first, and it will have to be our little secret...you know, woman to woman!"
As I arrived at the prison showers I realised I'd forgotten my soap. However, I was amazed at the number of bars of soap left abandoned on the shower room floor for no apparent reason. "Well, I'll be buggered" I thought.
I was at the sperm bank earlier and the nice lass there asked me if I could masturbate in the cup. "I'm good", I thought, "but am I really ready for competitions?"
I took the kids to the zoo the other day, paid a fortune to get in only to find only a single dog on display. It was a Shih-Tzu.
