Bernard's Crappy Winter Tips...

put some meths in your washer bottle, stops it freezing, in fact if you put alot of meths in there you can spray some on the windscreen and set fire to it to get rid of the ice

 

Its was raining here yesterday followed by a sharp frost last night which left a nice 1/4" layer of ice over everything. I could unlock the doors but not actually open them as they were frozen shut. :

Vans windows were frozen inside too so i created a nice snow globe effect with the ice scraper and the fan on. ;D

The council haven't gritted the roads round here either. Interesting watching a ambulances drifting round corners heading to the ER.

 

100% guaranteed way to avoid having to de-ice your windscreen is to remove it each night and store inside your home on two breeze blocks in the living room. Not only do you not have to scrape the ice off, you have a ready made coffee table which doesn't obstruct your view of the floor.

 

to increase tyre grip in the ice and snow, fill ice cube trays with water and sugar and attach to the tyres of your van before you go to bed. Overnight, the freezing temperatures will freeze the ice cubes to the tyres - simply knock off the trays and you have ready to go nobbly ice tyres. To support the environment, consider adding chopped up bacon rind or seeds to the mix so that when the ice melts, woodland animals and birds can help themselves to lunch.

 

I think we have the start of a best seller here. Any writers here to compile the next best selling book for Christmas 2013

 

Maybe a street dweller can find comfort on your bonnet.... they can curl up on your windscreen and that way their body heat will keep your windscreen frost free...

(Disclaimer no good for campers...sorry...they are inconsiderable and refuse to stand up all night hugging your van)

 

To avoid your van being buried in snow, buy four ramps and drive onto them each night. The following morning, your van will look like its sitting on top of the snow rather than up to its windows in an unescapeable snowdrift

 

Have a jar of 2ps warming on a radiator, stick them one by one on the screen to make interesting patterns out of the circles, get enough 2ps and you could create a big enough shape to see through ;D

 

to keep your hands warm whilst driving and to provide sustenance during the trip, pop two pitta breads under the grill (or naans if you have big hands), once warmed through cut the ends off and slip over your hands. These should keep your fingers toasty warm, be flexible to maintain control and provide nibbles for the journey. These can be used on the feet and for any passengers you are carrying. Be warned though, please ensure you have removed any foxes or tramps that may have spent the evening in the van the night beforehand.

 

To melt the snow and ice on the road , drive slowly in reverse. The hot air will keep the road clear.
You also do not need to de-ice the windscreen going backwards, as you can open the tailgate to see where you are going.

 

to avoid having to clear snow off the roof, roll you van upside down in the evening and simply roll it back again in the morning.

 

drivers, tired of defrosting icy windows in the morning? simply stand outside a newsagents and steal a car already defrosted while the owner pops inside for his newspaper.