Numpty of the year thread and tell us a Tommy Cooper joke to cheer Barney up add on combined

dude goes into see doctor ,says to doctor "doctor I think I'm a cocktail" doctor says, "sit there and don"t stir"

 

I had a meal last night,
I ordered everything in French,
surprised everybody,
It was a Chinese restaurant.

 

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

 

a drunk staggered out of a pub and saw a fella lying under a car, effecting some repairs ,"whassermatter ?"drawled the drunk, "piston broke" replied the fella , "sh"m I" replied the drunk "luvverly, innit"

 

"Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’"

 

Tommy Cooper brilliant, here is my favourite joke from him.
Came down stairs this morning there was a tap on the window.
I,ll never use that plumber again
Just like that

 

I once painted a girl with no clothes on,

I almost froze to death.

 

sorry rick me sound went on me computer safternoon

 

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head-
Doctor says "I'll give you some cream to put on that"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any

I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said "Analogue?"
I said "no just a watch"

 

I went to the doctor, I said to him my arm hurts when I do that.

Doctor says well don't do that then.

 

Blind man goes into a shop with a guide dog. Picks the dog up and swings it about his head. The shop keeper asks " Can I help you Sir?"
"No thanks, just looking around"

 

Cure for seasickness - sit under a tree