Joke

I went to the psychiatrist and said "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog". "That's interesting. Just lay down on the couch". "I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch"

 

I went to the doctors and told him my brother thinks he's a chicken.
"So tell him he isn't a chicken", said the doc.
"I would do....only we need the eggs" I replied.



(I have told that one before somewhere on here before, but I think it bears repetition)

 

A kid is playing at the local tip, like kids do, he found an old welding mask. He plays with it happily putting on his head, lifting it up and flicking down. His mum's warned him not to be late home for dinner.
Realising he's going to be late he starts to run when a guy in a car pulls up and asks him if he want's a lift home?
No thanks says the kid and flips the mask back down.
You wouldn't want to be late home says the driver.
thinking about being late home he agrees and gets in the car and the driver sets off.
They are driving for a little bit when the driver leans over and asks the kid "hey son, do you know what fornication is?
the kid lifts the helmet up and shakes his head, no.
"do you know what sodomy is?"
Again the kid lifts the helmet up and shakes his head, no.
"Further along in the ride the man leans over again and asks "son, do you know what fellatio is?"
At this point the kid lifts the welders mask up and says "look mister i'm not a real welder I just found the mask"

 

I'm still chortling over your joke about the Yorkshireman's dog...

 

Ha ha, had to rack me brains a bit, but now I remember

 

When I was in the army, once the sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up.”

 

In the Wild West the Sheriff is posting up a wanted notice, " Gee Sheriff, whose this Bad hombre?" ask a small boy. "Well" said the Sheriff, "he's the Brown Paper Kid, he wears a Brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt and a Brown paper waistcoat on top. He has Brown paper trousers with a brown paper gunbelt and brown paper boots, all finished off with a brown paper neckerchief" the boy says "he sounds like a mean outlaw Sheriff, what's he wanted for?"................................................................................................




" Rustling!! " says the Sheriff.

 

A Scotsman walked into the pub,usually there is a English man a welshman and a irishman with him but they are in for the

european championships.

 

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts

 

I Think that's quite disrespectful to us Scottish....



Is what I might say if I were Scottish

 

What is the most difficult decision a man in the Fens has to make.

A.


What to buy his elder brother for Fathers day.

 

I saw a man the other day looking very sad, well I'll talk to anyone who'll listen so I asked him what was wrong. He said he wasn't going home. I asked him why.
"There's a terrible smell in our house" he said,"The wife, she keeps cats."
"Have you tried opening the windows?" I asked.
He said, "What, and let all my pigeons out?"

 

Was walking over a field earlier, I stopped to pick a buttercup.
Funny place to find a buttock

 

At a dinner party I had to let a bum burp out, unfortunately i couldn't do a controlled release and it were a ripper. the bloke next to me said " I say , how rude , you farted in front of my wife"

I said " beg your pardon, I didn't realise it was her turn"

 

Guy goes into the docs and says
'I'm having terrible pains in my legs'

Doc says 'ok drop your Adam ants and pop up on the cane and Abel'

Guy says 'I don't understand'

Doc says 'I like to talk in cockney slang drop your pants and pop up on the table'

The guys say 'oh I get it now'

Doc says 'do you have any varicose veins'

The guy says yeah I've got two boys and a lassie

 

@75swampy
In a field o cows , how dfo you know which ones on holiday?
The one with the wee calf

 

Had the vicar round the other day and, wouldn't you know it, the dog sat down in front of him and started licking his testicles. "Goodness", said the Vic, a bit embarrassed. "I wish I could do that". "I'm sure he'd let you" was my witty reply.

 

Bloke drinking a pint of Whitbread bitter in his local pub when a big muscly black lady walks past and passes wind on top of his pint. He shouts, "Hey.....you fart in my Whitbread?" She replied "No.....I'm Tessa Sanderson!"

(I'm really sorry..........dredging my brain vaults and remembered that one from a few decades ago. Not really topical now but was back then.........it didn't age well, sorry everyone!)

 

If we're going old school my fav from years ago was.......
Q. If you have a hockey ball in each hand what do you have?
A. The undivided attention of the Irish Prime Minister.
Told you it was old.

 

Know any jokes about the repeal of the Corn Laws ?