A bottle of Omega 3 tablets just fell out of the cupboard onto my head. Fortunately, the injuries were just super fish oil.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
My kids are taking the pee out of my Alzheimer's, won't be quite so funny when they wake on Christmas morning and there are no eggs under the bonfire.
Doctor gave me four months to live, so I stabbed him to death judge gave me twenty years. problem solved..
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. ”Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him. “Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side. Loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and then asked, “How does that feel?” “Feels great,” he replied, “but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
As a bagpiper, I have played many different gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, and so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the lancashire back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad, and apologized to the men for being late. I then went to the side of the grave and looked down, and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
I bumped into an old mate today.He said, "What you up to these days?"I I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, ******* heads and down 'n' outs." He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?" I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."
Two Ladies Talking In Heaven First Woman: Hi Wanda. Second Woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die? First Woman: I froze to death. Second Woman: How horrible. First Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? Second Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. First Woman: So, what happened? Second Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. First Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - we'd both still be alive.
I made my girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around! After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are two things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable b*****ds with no sense of humour!!
Brian received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Brian tried hard to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's language. Finally, Brian was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Brian shook the parrot by the neck and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Brian, in desperation, threw up his hands, then grabbed the bird and stuffed it in the freezer. For a few minute the parrot screamed abuse, then suddenly there was total quiet. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Brian quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot stepped out onto Brian's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my vulgar and unforgivable behaviour". Brian was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Then the parrot spoke again and said, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams:"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:"Too ****ing late pal, I've already done the paperwork."
I was at the cashpoint yesterday, the old lady in front of me asked me to check her balance for her ..... So I pushed her over
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French." A few weeks later, ‘The British Archaeological Society of Northern England’ reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught local amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely bugger all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless." Just makes you bloody proud to be British!
